Born on Halloween

I was born on Halloween
Eyes bloodshot-red, teeth emerald-green
I uttered a loud spine-chilling screeeeeeeeeeam!
'Cause I was born on Halloween

Wearing dark, grim jet-black clothes
With three burst boils on my crooked nose
I was quite terrifying I suppose
Gory, horrific, obscene
'Cause I was born on Halloween

October 31st
Some say I'm the Devil, some say I'm cursed
As I grew older I got weirder and worse
Then I became a Goth in my teens
'Cause I was born on Halloween

I was
More wicked than the Witch from the Wizard of Oz
You'll flee at the sight of me because
My face will melt your ice-cream
'Cause I was born on Halloween

As the clock struck midnight
Voldemort and Dracula quivered with fright
And every werewolf felt a bit uptight
Whose lucky number's thirteen?
Mine - 'cause I was born on Halloween

So take me trick or treating down your road
I'm the gruesome guy your neighbours should know
They'll shower you with sweets and loads of dough
Or I'll return to haunt their dreams
'Cause I was born on Halloween

The Worry Box

I can't do long division
My head's a strange shape
I'm developing hairy toes
A big bully hit me
Gemma Jones bit me
There's a huge blue spot on my nose

I'm frightened of flies
Tom poked fun at my ears
I'm allergic to cranberry sauce
I'll never be rich
My sister's a witch
Jack said that I laugh like a horse

Je find French très confusing
I might need to wear glasses
Sam's driving me round the bend
I've spent all my savings
How long till I'm shaving?
Last week I was dumped by two girlfriends

Luke (who sits next to me)
Smells like rotting fish
I'm totally hopeless at sport
I'm scared of my Headteacher
I can't pronounce omonatopoeia...onomapatoemia...onomatopoeia
Dad tore up my terrible school report

I think I've got nits
I'm dreading the dentist
My brain cannot work very fast
I can't spell Saskatchewan
My best mate's an alien
I'm so nervous of putting my hand up in class

Two back teeth are wobbly
I'm rubbish at poetry...
Whatever your stresses and fears
Just tell the Worry Box
Write to the Worry Box
And all your problems will disappear

The Day My Underwear Went BOOM!

The day my underwear went BOOM!
Exploding like a burst balloon
The noise was heard upon the moon
The day my underwear went...

...POP!
Windows wobbled, ceilings rocked
It was expensive, from Top Shop
But still my underwear went...

...BANG!
Along my street the echoes rang
What happened? No-one could explain
The day my underwear went...

...ZAP!
The cat leapt six foot off my lap
I got inspired to write this rap
The day my underwear went...

...BUST!
Vests vaporised, pants turned to dust
I heaved a sigh of deep disgust
The day my underwear went...

...BAM!
I was an underwearless man
With one burnt thread left in my hand
The day my underwear went...

... BOOM!
A choking smoke consumed my room
My normal life can't be resumed
Because my underwear went...

...BOOM!

Worms

Worms are giving me creeps
Worms will get me in my sleep
Worms are sliding through the grass
Worms still squirm when cut in half
Worms have got no feet or hands
Worms make wormholes in the sand
Worms are all spaghetti-shaped
Worms go crispy when they're baked
Worms will drill my apple through
Worms can't jump like kangaroos
Worms are breeding in my shed
Worms - be careful where you tread!
Worms are all symmetrical
Worms are soft and bendable
Worms can wiggle, worms can twitch
Worms for dinner makes me sick
Worms are sneaking down my shirt
Worms are sliming up your skirt
Worms are quite despicable
Worms aren't very lickable
Worms are moving in the mud
Worms like lapping up my blood
Worms are thin, fat, short and long
Worms will eat me when I'm gone
Wooooooooooooooooooooorms!

Nothing

There's nothing on the TV
There's nothing on the radio
There's nothing at the cinema
So there's nowhere to go

I've played all my computer games
There's nothing in the papers
Nothing happened yesterday
Nothing's happening later

There's nothing on the Internet
On Twitter or on Facebook
No texts were on my mobile phone
When I last had a look

There's nothing doing in the park
There's nothing down my street
There's nothing in my money box
Nor in the fridge to eat

There's nothing left inside my head
It's one big empty space
There's nothing here occurring
What an uneventful place

My friends are doing nothing too
I can't take any more
School summer holidays started today
And I'm already BORED!

My Dad Can't Rap

My Dad can't rap though he thinks he can
He's the world's worst rapper since rap began
He can't do the rhymes
He can't do the beats
Yet he's far too stubborn to admit defeat

My Dad can't rap 'cause he's 53
Still he calls himself Doggy Dad MC
Trying freestyling
Spitting them bars
“But Dad, old chaps can't be rap stars”

Slow chorus: My Dad
Can't
Rap
My Dad
Can't
Rap
My Dad
Can't
Rap

My Dad can't rap it's plain to hear
You'll stick your fingers in your ears
When he's in da house just keeping it real
And dreaming about that record deal

My Dad can't rap can't do hip hop
My Mum is begging him to stop
“Please dress your age and lose that bling
“'Cause rock and roll is more your thing”

Repeat chorus

My Dad can't rap he's too uncool
Though he struts around like Dizzee Rascal
Singing “I'm king rapper in this neighbourhood”
I say “Yo Daddy-o you're not that good”

So somebody should give him a slap
And take away his new baseball cap
He's not Jay-Z
He's not Tupac
He's got less rhythm than a dripping tap

Repeat chorus

X

X marks the spot
X-certificate hot, hot, hot
X is times or multiply
EXterminate - the Dalek battle cry
X goes neXt to an answer that's wrong
Drink triple-X beer and you'll be well gone
Win X-Factor - have a number one song

Lose your loose skin - eXfoliate
Live away from the UK - eXpatriate
Cough, cough, cough, spit – eXpectorate

EXtricate yourself from a difficult situation
EXtrapolate data for more information
Empty your lungs through eXhalation
X is in Charing and Kings Cross Stations
EXonerate yourself from blame
If you don't get my meaning let me eXplain

X - the 24th letter of the alphabet
Mark it on your calendar for dates not to forget
But to remember
Like Xmas - 25^th of December

The Z sound in Xylophone, Xavier and Xenon is made with an X
“GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!” snarled the eXcitable, eXtinct t.reX
When he ate the eXtremely spicy TeX-Mex
All done of course by using special FX

Dig around under ground – eXcavate
EXpel from church - eXcommunicate
I've told you one million times – don't eXaggerate

There's no X in ecstasy unless you're dysleXic
If the thought of dinner makes you thinner
You may be anoreXic

I used to write on your cards X, X, X, X, X, X – so many kisses
Till you became my eX and no longer my missus
Xenophobics don't dig foreign intervention
X is shorthand for a telephone eXtension
But you can't call me
Because I'm eX-directory

X-rays – help doctors understand
The XX – what a great indie band
Wolverine – my favourite X-Man
With adamantium claws shooting out of his hands
X is ten in Roman numerals

When I eXpire it's my funeral
Then I'll no longer eXist at all
And I won't be able to read this poem
About X

Fluff

It's often found between your toes
How does it get there? No-one knows
Bits of skin and dust and clothes
Funny stuff
Can't get enough
Say it loud
Say it proud
Fluff

You can store it in a box
You can stick it to your socks
It's kind of grey
It's kind of blue
Containing lots of pet hair too
From your dog
From your cat
Don't keep it underneath your hat
Shout its name
Shout it again
Fluff

Multiplying over night
In nooks and crannies out of sight
What's its purpose?
What's its role?
Baffled scientist do not know
Could it be a new life form
Sent to earth to keep us warm?
Roll it in a handy ball
Bring it with you into school
Fluff

Don't let your fluff come to harm
Save it as a lucky charm
Make a woolly vest with it
Help birds build a nest with it
Aren't you glad we're blessed with it?
It's on the floor
It's in the air
It's even in your underwear
Have you got any going spare?
Fluff

You Know You're Losing It

When you can't see the wood for a forest of trees
When you're covering your cornflakes in Parmesan cheese
When your bad news comes in fours not threes
Then you know you're losing it

When you're being busted and booked every week by the cops
When you're wearing a suit with a pair of flip flops
When you've cancelled your milk but replaced it with Scotch
Then you know you're losing it

When you can't face yourself in the mirror nude
When you think Jack the Ripper was a pretty cool dude
When you trade in your Bahamas trip for one to Bude
Then you know you're losing it

When...you're rapping...and rhyming...but the words...won't flow
When you're buying a wig 'cause the bald bit won't go
When you're walking - unarmed - on the streets of Walthamstow
Then you know you're losing it

When you can't remember what you're supposed to remember
When you're celebrating Christmas on the 4^th of September
When you're peering down your underwear to check your gender
Then you know you're losing it

When yesterday's wardrobe is no longer fitting you
When strangers are constantly kicking and hitting you
When your doctor says “you're gaga mate” and he ain't kidding you
Then you know you're losing it

When your bestest of best friends cannot get on with you
When you're going ice skating taking only a thong with you
When you're writing poems like this about things that are wrong with you
Then you know you're losing it

You didn't bite the bullet
You didn't stay strong
You're totally skew-whiff
I told you all along
You're blown out
Pear-shaped
Gone Pete Tong
You know you've LOST IT!

Sleeping Standing Up

I always sleep standing up
Instead of lying down
It's late but you'll still find me with my feet both on the ground
I'm dozing so don't make sound
Though I look strange
Perhaps deranged
Sleeping standing up

Don't need blankets
Don't need sheets
Some people comment “that's real neat”
Some people comment “you're a freak”
Sleeping standing up

Don't mistake me for a lamppost
While I do what I enjoy most
When I rest and have a snooze
What position do I chose?
Horses, zebras, elephants
Also may adopt this stance
'Cause like me
They want to be
Sleeping standing up

Don't need a pillow
Don't need a duvet
Please don't ever try to move me
You say “weird”
But I say “groovy”
Sleeping standing up

It's safe:
I can't fall out of bed
The blood cannot rush to my head
And no-one ever thinks I'm dead
Sleeping standing up

I've slept this way for thirty years
It is quite comfortable
My fave teddy bear and me
Upright all night against a wall
Straight as that coat stand in my hall
You'll not see me horizontal
As I'm forever vertical
When I tuck in there's just one rule
Sleeping standing up

Don't tell me that I'm bananas
When I slip on my pyjamas
Sleeping standing up
 
 

The Technology Blues

I'm in such a lot of bother 'cause my lawn mower won't hover
And my vacuum doesn't clean rooms like it's meant to do
Why do things that are electric make my day more stressed and hectic?
The computer has exploded though it is brand new
I've got a case of the technology blues

My washing machine died yesterday
My microwave misbehaves
Every one of my bedroom lights flicker
If I read the help instructions then my brain no longer functions
It's much easier untying knotted knickers

Two knobs fell off my radio
The hot steam iron burnt my toe
My GPS won't talk but now is singing
My DVD player broke and made my hair go greyer
And my watch alarm is stuck on ringing, ringing
Ringing, ringing
Ringing, ringing...

My calculator won't divide
My fridge freezer is warm inside
My pop up toaster doesn't brown the toast
My iPod has croaked
My iPad pours smoke
And my iPhone has given up the ghost

My automatic toothbrush stopped revolving and went bust
While my TV only tunes to Channel 5
Why are items technological confusing and illogical
And complicate not simplify our lives?

I'm in such a lot of bother 'cause my lawn mower won't hover
And my vacuum doesn't clean rooms like it's meant to do
Why do things that are electric make my day more stressed and hectic?
The computer has exploded though it is brand new
I've got a case of the technology blues

Blind Date

She had bad breath
She looked like death
I'd been to Rio
She'd been to Skegness
She cracked my rib when she hugged me tightly
The tattoo on her forehead was so unsightly
And when she said “let's have a McDonald's tea”
I knew she wasn't the woman for me

I wondered, “Why did she ever choose me?”
She chewed gum, spat and swore profusely
She wore Doc Martens
The night that we met
She ran a well dodgy site
On the Internet
I supported Spurs
While she followed Chelsea
So she wasn't the woman for me

I was an atheist
She was a devil worshipper
I had body hair
But she was furrier
She never said `thank you'
She never said `please'
She never used a tissue when she sneezed
(Only her sleeve)
If she was the lock then I wasn't the key
So she wasn't the woman for me

I sent her a passport photograph
She sent me one of her being sick in the bath
Though my body's a temple
She drank pints and smoked
I poured a Pepsi
She snorted coke
I sought romance
She was after a poke
And with her huge repertoire of racist jokes
She was a signed-up member of the BNP
So she wasn't the woman for me

While I studied the Guardian
She skimmed the Sun
I'm a peaceful pacifist
But she packed a gun
She had muscles the size
Of tree trunks
I owned a pet poodle
She owned a skunk
And when she didn't laugh at my poetry
I knew she wasn't the woman for me
'Cause love's not as easy as A, B, 3
'Cause love's not as easy as 1, 2, C
I knew she wasn't the woman for me
 

AHHHH...CHOOOO!

There's a cold a-coming
So your head is numbing
And your nose is running
AHHHH...CHOOOO!

'Cause before you know it
There's a small storm growing
Yucky stuff is flowing
AHHHH...CHOOOO!

It's a germ-filled potion
It's a huge explosion
Made in one sharp motion
AHHHH...CHOOOO!

Grab a hankie
Grab a tissue
Grab some kitchen roll
From your pocket
Stop that rocket
Shooting like a Rooney goal
Zooming out your nostril holes
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

When your nasal passage
Unloads all its baggage
Greener than a cabbage
AHHHH...CHOOOO!

No-one's gonna love ya
'Cause here comes another
Careful – mind your brother!
AHHHH...CHOOOO!

Both your eyes are crying
You feel like you're dying
All that virus flying
AHHHH...CHOOOO!

You try so hard to stem your sneezes but there's nothing you can do
They just pop out of the blue
AHHHH...CHOOOO!

They're so loud they can be heard as far away as Timbuktu
Here's the next one in the queue
AHHHH...CHOOOO!

AHHHH...CHOOOO!
AHHHH...CHOOOO!
AHHHH...CHOOOO!
AHHHH...CHOOOO!
AHHHH...CHOOOO!
AHHHH...CHOOOO!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Google It

Google it:
Google life
Google dating agencies to seek a new partner, husband or wife
Goolge yesterday's football results if you missed them
Google the twelve best things to buy a psychopath for Christmas and it will list them
Google her, Google him
Google Ho Chi Minh, City: `Formerly Saigon, Vietnam'
Google least popular UK accents: `Birmingham'
Google favourite Monty Python sketches: `Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, egg, bacon, sausage, beans and spam, spam, spam and spam'

Google medical conditions to find out serious things that are wrong with you
Google song lyrics for the words of that hit you knew
Don't Ask Jeeves, Bing or Yahoo
'Cause Google can produce a rabbit from any hat
Why buy a GPS when you can check out Google Maps
To discover where you are?
Wanna recycle your bra?
Googling that will lead to reducereuserecycle.co.uk
Go on, Google away till you're old and grey

Google the total population of every single nation
Google tips to tackle a woodlice infestation
And if you're into self-congratulation
Then Google yourself
We've all done it, have a go
Next Google all the friends you know
Google Virgin Media, BT etc if your Googling's far too slow

Google the middle name of Darth Vader
Three ways to straighten a bent banana
How to spell Saskatchewan or Madagascar
Sleepy, Grumpy, Dopey, Bashful, Sneezy and Doc
Google all Seven Dwarfs if you have a mental block
And you'll get Happy
Grab your keyboard and tippy tappy, tippy tappy
Google it

You no longer need to opine
Google's got more brainpower than Stephen Fry and Einstein - combined
Aided and abetted by Wikipedia
`A close friend of mine' Googled p?rn?graphy for something sleazier and seedier
Google Google Images for perfect pictures and photography
Google relationship management if you can't get along with me

Where to buy the cheapest booze?
Who had the original hit of Blue Suede Shoes?
How to refuse an offer that can't be refused?
What made Queen Victoria so unamused?
Ways to get a ticking time bomb – quickly - defused?
Why there are so many answers to every question I choose?
It's because the phrase `I don't know' no longer has meaning
So there's no excuse for ignorance, denial or whinging
Set your browser default to the top search engine
And Google it, Google it, Google it

Magnetic Me

Magnetic Me
Magnetic Me

Anything and everything sticks to me
Carpets, cars, books, TVs
Pencils, pens and bumblebees
Tables, trousers, front door keys
Newspapers and DVDs

Magnetic Me
Magnetic Me

It happens totally naturally
I've an instant connectivity
Defying the laws of gravity
Come near you'll adhere instantly

Magnetic Me
Magnetic Me

Scientists they all agree
I've a very unusual biology
I'm the gluiest person in history
I'm a gent like cement you can't shake free

Magnetic Me
Magnetic Me

More power than a magnet factory
Shake hands you'll be stuck by the count of three
One look you'll be hooked like a fish in the sea
I've a magnetic personality

Magnetic Me
Magnetic Me

I'm an
M.A.G.
N.E.T.
What's my name?
Magnetic Me!

Economic Forecast

A slump, a recession
A dip, a depression
Three years in succession
Markets in regression

Such financial tension
Spreads like an infection
Now credit suspension
Cash too tight to mention

The Euro's a mess an'
We're deeper in debt an'
Choose lethal injection
'Cause there goes your pension

Banks failing the test an'
Not learning their lesson
Poor pay and conditions
Except politicians

Who have no clear vision
Make selfish decisions
Ignoring sedition
And howls of derision

We're lost, no direction
Have pointless elections
Freedom's an illusion
Chaos and confusion

Without revolution
What is the solution?
The final conclusion?
WE'RE STUFFED

I'm the Gigantic Giant

I'm the gigantic giant who dwells down your street
I'm the one with the enoooooormous feet
Stomping and stamping
Trudging and tramping
You might stand two meters high
Me? I nearly scrape the sky

I'm the gigantic giant taller than the tallest tree
I'm the man you would ban from coming round to tea
Crashing and bashing
Crushing and smashing
I can't help it it's my height
I'm in the clouds and out of sight

I'm the gigantic giant like the ones from fairy tales
I'm longer than the longest rulers and a dozen whales
Stooping and bending
Almost never ending
I don't own a castle but the house on the hill
I eat a whole supermarket daily for a meal

I'm the gigantic giant
I spend so much time alone
'Cause I can't find another giant to fit in my home
Breaking and battering
Squashing and flattening
Anything that's in my way when I am walking
I make your windows wibble wobble when I am talking

I'm the gigantic giant
I am humongous
People say, “He's far too huge to exist among us!”
Freaky and odd
Famous for my big bod
You'll never see a giant more gigantic than me
I'm the most gigantic giant in the whole country
No – the most gigantic giant in the galaxy
I'm the gigantic giant

After You're Dead

“We'll publish you after you're dead”
That's what the publisher said
“We'll make you a household name
“Give you world-wide fame
“Kudos and street cred
“But while you're alive
“You'll have to survive
“In poverty
“On just a crust of bread”

“'Cause we can't sell your poetry
“If you're living and breathing
“So expect your earthly career to be
“Full of anguish and under-achieving
“Even if you become Poet Laureate
“You'll see out your days in deepest debt
“With a life far from sensational
“And hardly inspirational
“But have no fear
“Because in fifty years
“Your bank account will turn black from red
“When we publish you after you're dead”

“The Booker Prize
“The Nobel Prize
“The Pulitzer Prize
“And more
“You'll have a ball
“Scooping them all
“Once you're knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door
“But while you're fit, healthy and prolific
“As a true poet you know the score
“Though your odes are top draw
“You have one major flaw
“You've not yet shed your mortal coil
“You're still the wrong side of the soil
“Wait patiently in line to get ahead
“Then we'll publish you after you're dead”

“Besides it's good for the spirit and the soul
“To be anonymous and on the dole
“One writes poetry for art
“Not to top Waterstone's Best Sellers' Chart
“So like Owen, Dickinson, Keats, Plath and Poe
“You're not yet someone we want to know
“Though as soon as you find you're terminal
“Please drop us an email, give us a call
“Then we'll talk contracts, copyright, fees
“And royalties
“With our lawyers at your death bed...
“Then we'll publish you after you're dead”
 
 
 

I Heard all the Dinosaurs ROOOOOOAAAAAAR!

I heard the Triceratops GRRRRRROOOOOOWL!
While stomping his feet and thumping his tail
I witnessed the ground quiver and shake
Bangs, explosions, a massive earthquake
Then all of the water drained out of the lake
When I heard the Triceratops GRRRRRROOOOOOWL!

I heard the Pterodactyl SCREEEEEEAAAAAAM!
It melted my strawberry and chocolate ice cream
Cut through the sky like a knife cutting butter
Made tower blocks tumble, aeroplanes stutter
Railway trains stop still and river boats splutter
When I heard the Pterodactyl SCREEEEEEAAAAAAM!

I heard the Brontosaurus BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
I think you could hear it as far as the moon
More deafening than ten nuclear bombs
My hair stood on end, my eardrums were gone
I looked up at him said “Wow, that was strong!”
When I heard the Brontosaurus BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

I heard the Stegosaurus SHRIEEEEEEEEEEEEK!
When he opened his mouth and started to speak
It made coconuts drop from the treetops
Battered some boulders, smashed several rocks
Moved many mountains and blew off my socks
When I heard the Stegosaurus SHRIEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

I heard the T.Rex YAAAAAAAAAAAAWN
It woke me up with a fright at the dawn
Cracked several windows, busted my bed
Destroyed our garage, decimated our shed
I thought all these reptiles were extinct and long dead
BUT I heard the T.Rex YAAAAAAAAAAAAWN
The Triceratops GRRRRRROOOOOOWL!
The Pterodactyl SCREEEEEEAAAAAAM!
The Brontosaurus BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
The Stegosaurus SHRIEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

Oh so much louder than ever before
I heard ALL the Dinosaurs ROOOOOOAAAAAAR!

Stop Fiddling!

Don't fiddle with your pencil
Don't fiddle with your pen
Don't fiddle with your paper
I won't tell you again
Don't fiddle with your hair
Don't fiddle with your chair
Don't tug your tie
Or your underwear
STOP FIDDLING!

Don't fiddle with your face
Or your pencil case
Don't fiddle with your socks
Or your shoelace
Focus, focus
Concentrate
Don't talk to yourself
Don't talk to your mates
STOP FIDDLING!

You're tapping
You're flicking
You're fidgeting
You're clicking
You're pushing
You're picking
You're rustling
You're kicking
And you're twiddling...
STOP FIDDLING!

Don't fiddle with your ruler
Your rubber or watch
Leave your lunchbox alone
It's only ten o'clock
Point those ears in my direction
Give me one hundred per cent attention
STOP FIDDLING!

Don't fiddle with your rucksack
Or your sports kit
Put down that football
Don't play with it
Be still
Stone-like
Be statuesque
Sit up straight
Be silent
Stop getting me stressed
Put your hands face down upon your desk
These are simple instructions to digest
So please - give it a rest and...
STOP FIDDLING!