If I was a Spy

If I was a spy
I'd be a master of disguise
If I was a spy
I'd wear dark glasses on my eyes

If I was a spy
I'd sneak round secret places
If I was a spy
I'd hide cameras in suitcases

If I was a spy
I'd be an ace code-cracker
If I was a spy
I'd catch computer hackers

If I was a spy
I'd protect and serve my country
If I was a spy
Evil governments would hunt me

If I was a spy
Bad guys couldn't beat me
If I was a spy
No villain could defeat me

If I was a spy
You'd have no way of knowing
Because if I was a spy...
I wouldn't tell you in this poem

Headmistress Cane

Headmistress Cane is my name

I don’t want to see YOU in my office again

I’ve a slipper, a stick, a ball and a chain

The scariest Head that you’ve ever seen

I rule my school like a tyrannical queen

Keep in line all the time

And you won’t feel a thing

But behave badly

Then sadly

I'll cause you great pain

I am Headmistress Cane

I expect perfect behaviour 24/7

Each child must act like an angel from heaven

Not a word out of place

Not a word when I’m talking

Not a word disobeyed

No running, only walking

In my corridors

And if you’re impolite

Or push, shout or fight

I guarantee that you’ll be tamed

By me, Headmistress Cane

I’ve a dungeon below my office for the most unsavoury pupils

Mess with me and your days won’t be very fruitful

But full of misery, grief and punishment too

And a whole week’s detention spent locked in my loo

I might even throw away the key

And if you’re the person who threw that stink bomb in chemistry

You’ll run fifty laps of the field in the snow and the rain

I am Headmistress Cane

And even my teachers

Are endangered creatures

As my staff

Must not laugh

While they work and they graft

Don’t you tremble at the sight of me?

Have nightmares every night through me?

Sit up straight in my assembly!

Or I’ll see you at 3.30pm

To give you lines before you can count up to ten

In my lessons you’ll sweat and you’ll strain

I am Headmistress Cane

Some call me “devil”

Some call me “dictator”

If you’re naughty you’ll be caught by me sooner not later

I’ll mash you up more than mashed up mashed potato

‘Cause even school inspectors bow down to me

When I give them a scowl and a frown you’ll see

Why my school always gets an excellent grade

So be fearful and frightened and fully afraid

Or I’ll set you so much horrid homework to do

You'll not be able to breathe for the next year or two

I hope that I’ve made myself plain

I am Headmistress Cane

I’ve Fallen in Love with a Dalek

 
 
I’ve fallen in love with a Dalek
I don’t wanna watch Star Wars or Star Trek
She’s a heartless killing machine 
But what the heck
I’ve fallen in love with a Dalek

She made her move and asked to date me
(Promising she wouldn’t exterminate me)
She’s the only one who can out roller-skate me
I’ve fallen in love with a Dalek

‘Cause when our work is done
We have bags of fun
We cuddle on the sofa 
And I unscrew her gun
Friends say she’s more evil than Attila the Hun
But we’ll stick through thick and thin 
Though she’s just a lump of tin
I’ve fallen in love with a Dalek

When we’re together one thing’s taboo
It’s forbidden to mention Doctor Who 
Dalek ain’t got a name 
So I call her Sue
I’ve just bought her a house with a downstairs loo
I’ve fallen in love with a Dalek

I know she’s destroyed whole galaxies
But she’s got such a great personality
So while my lips pucker
She fondles me with her sucker
I’m her beau 
And she’s my mucker
When I caught her eye
Cupid’s arrow struck her
I’ve fallen in love with a Dalek

She comes from Skaro above
And we’re so in love
If you see her by the kerbside
Please give her a gentle shove
I’ve fallen in love with a Dalek

OJ OJ

OJ, OJ
Good for you, good for me
It tastes so great, full of vitamin C
Pure ready ripe oranges picked from a tree
OJ, OJ
Good for you, good for me

OJ, OJ
In a bottle or pack
Perfect with breakfast, lunch or a snack
If you bought me a cola I’d say “Take it back”
I want OJ, OJ
In a bottle or pack

OJ, OJ
One of your five a day
For a fitter, happier, healthier way
It’ll keep you young - stop your hair going grey
OJ, OJ
One of your five a day

OJ, OJ
Mmmmm - freshly squeezed
Buy it smooth or with bits in if you please
What stops a cough and prevents a sneeze?
OJ, OJ
Mmmmm - freshly squeezed

So what’s the drink you’re going to choose?
It’s got to be
OJ, OJ
OJ, OJ
OJ, OJ
OJ, OJ
OJ, OJ
OJ, OJ
ORANGE JUICE!

The Incredible Hulk

Gigantic, green

Extremely mean

His punches really hurt

And every time his chest expands he tears another shirt

When chilled and calm

He does no harm

As plain ol' Doctor Banner

Though as the Hulk his strength and bulk will hit you like a hammer

He roars and rants

Wears purple pants

Has huge and massive muscles

'Cause gamma radiation floods and flows through his corpuscles

His conversation's limited

"Hulk smash!" is all he knows

At Christmas time it's best to buy him Next vouchers for clothes

Some say he is a force for good

Some say a force for bad

You wouldn't like him angry though so please...

Don't make him MAD!

Crazy Old Uncle

Everyone has a crazy old uncle
An extremely eccentric relation
With a tiny screw or small wire loose
Like a slightly out of tune music radio station

A little bit peculiar
A little bit strange
A little bit weird
A little bit deranged

Wearing clothes from the 1970s
Plus a wobbly wig on his head
He makes you laugh
Needs a really good bath
Always mending broken things in his garden shed

Everyone has a crazy old uncle
You're proud of him though he's quite potty
Drives a rusty scooter
Owns a stone-age computer
Spends weekends at Waterloo Station train-spotting

A little bit of a fruitcake
A little bit of an oddball
A little bit of a joker
Clowns around like a fool
Yet you love his visits 'cause he's still kinda cool

He can make a pound coin disappear
Pick eggs from your pockets and behind your ears
Brings you sweets and treats
Smells of wine and beer
He's everyone's crazy old uncle

Born centuries ago in Victorian times
Drives you nuts with silly jokes and sillier rhymes
He's one of a kind
A most unusual find
He's everyone's crazy old uncle

Yes everyone has a crazy old uncle
My nephews and nieces agree
But nodding their heads
Each one of them said
Their crazy old uncle is...
...ME!

Don’t Pick on Giraffes

Don’t pick on giraffes
Don’t say they look daft
Don’t look at their loooooooooong necks
And poke fun and laugh

Ok they look strange
Peculiar, odd
With heads such a distance away from their bods

I knew one who married a lamppost it’s true
I knew one too big to fit into a zoo
I knew one so lanky he'd not seen his toes
And one with a huge scarf he wore in the snow

Ok they look weird
Not what you'd call small
With ears so far up they cannot hear you call

I knew one who lived with his head in the clouds
I knew one who always stood out in a crowd
I knew one who never could find fitting socks  
And one even higher than two tower blocks

Giraffes are the tallest beasts you'll ever see
Much taller than you
Much taller than me
They’re taller than houses
They’re taller than trees
They’re taller than all really tall things
So please... 

Don’t pick on giraffes
Don’t say they look daft
Don’t look at their loooooooooong necks
And poke fun and laugh

It's a Dogs' World

It's a dogs' world
Different types, breeds, shapes and sizes
Unusual dogs full of surprises
Excited dogs that wag their tails
Extremely strange dogs that `miaow'
Dangerous dogs whose bites are worse than their bark
Naughty dogs that burst footballs in the park

Dogs that are tall
Dogs that are small
Don't let slobbering dogs lick your face at all
That's totally disgusting and completely uncool

Terriers, Poodles, Spaniels, Alsatians
Labradors, Retrievers, Collies, 101 Dalmatians
A never-ending dog catalogue from so many nations

Dogs out walking
Frightening cats
Some wear coats in winter
But rarely socks or hats
Charcoal black dogs
Chocolate brown dogs
Silver grey dogs
Setters coloured red
Floppy spotted dogs
Silly stripy dogs
Tiny toy dogs
It's unhygienic to let dogs sleep in your bed
Buy them a basket or a kennel instead

Frequently
Dogs must scratch an itchy flea
And drool and dribble while you have your tea
Even though they've just eaten
If you're needing a best friend a dog cannot be beaten

Dogs understand much of what's said
Despite only having two words in their heads
Walkies, dinner
Walkies, dinner
Walkies, dinner
Walkies, dinner
All day long
There's a dog on TV howling along
To his favourite pop song
And a movie star dog in an advert for dog food
Never let dogs grab your slippers as they'll be chewed and chewed 

Rabbits, hamsters, parrots, gerbils, moggies, horses and goldfish are fine
But they cannot compare to a cute canine
Wild dogs
Lost dogs
Guard dogs
Lazy dogs
Superhero dogs
Careful don't tread in doggy do
You'll end up with a smelly shoe

Dogs nervously trembling at the vet
Breaking out in a cold doggy sweat
Dogs stick by us constantly and won't let us forget
That when they say `woof!'
They're telling us they want a fuss
And they're definitely
The number one
Fun, fun, fun
Most perfect of pets

It's a dogs' world

Ice Cream Man

I'm an ice cream man
Drive an ice cream van
When the music sounds
You'll know I'm around

Hear the magic tune
Of my special bell
Buy my tasty treats
That I have to sell

Tutti frutti, blackcurrent
Cheesecake, watermelon
Toffee, grapefruit, apricot
Aniseed and lemon

Every day from three
I'm outside your school
If you're hot then shop
I can keep you cool

Orange sherbet, apricot
Mango, guava jelly
Cola, coffee, sticky fudge
Lime and chunky cherry

Buy a cone, a flake
Sugar sprinkles too
Want some sauce to dip?
Roll up - join the queue!

Caramel, peach, marzipan
Bubblegum, blueberry
Chocolate chip, mint, coconut
Butterscotch and raspberry 

I've the perfect cure
For that summer sun
Selling frozen feasts
Fun for everyone

Hazelnut, plum, strawberry
Pineapple, sultana
Apple pie, pistachio
Rhubarb and banana

I'm an ice cream man
Drive an ice cream van
When the music sounds
You'll know I'm around

Lost Letters

A, B, C, D, E, F, G
H, I, J, K
L, M, N, O, P
Q, R, S, T, V
W, X, Y and Zee

The alphabet is not so long
Please tell me where 'U' have gone

A, B, C, D, E, F, G
H, I, J, K
M, N, O, P
Q, R, S, T, U, V
W, X, Y and Zee

Christmas time! How can you tell?
It's because there is no 'L'

A, B, C, D, E, F, G
H, I, J, K
L, M, N, O
Q, R, S, T, U, V
W, X, Y and Zee

Are you poking fun at me?
Somebody has taking the 'P'

A, B, C, D, E, F, G
H, I, K
M, N, O, P
R, S, T, U, V
W, X, Y and Zee

Letter 'J' is not in view
It ran off to join the 'Q'

H, N, L, T, Y, V, P,
M, I, A, S, X, U, D
G, E, Q, F, O, C, J
W, R, B, Z, and K

ABC is now no more

Alphabetti spaghetti all over the floor

My Nan Rides a Motorbike

My Nan rides a motorbike

Setting motorways alight

Zooming up the M1

Racing through the rat runs

Backflips, wheelies, clever tricks

Pretty cool for 86

My Nan rides a motorbike

Giving motorists a fright

Tearing over Tarmac

Dashing down the dirt track

Screaming “Take a look at me

“Hell's Angel and OAP!”

My Nan rides a motorbike

Travels at the speed of light

Criss-crossing the country

Entering the Gran Prix

Crash helmet and leather gear

Chasing cops cannot get near

My Nan rides a motorbike

Dangerous as dynamite

Look - she's overtaking!

Sound barrier's breaking

Deadly demon of the roads

Traffic tickets she has loads

My Nan rides a motorbike

In the distance, out of sight

90 miles an hour

Oil and petrol power

Is that blur a shooting star

Or Nan bombing past your car?

You'll not find another like her

'Cause my Nan's a motorbikerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Bully

Gonna mash you up like strawberry jam

Gonna use your head as a battering ram

Gonna kick your rucksack as hard as I can

I’m a mixed up man

With an odious plan

What am I?

You’re a bully!

Gonna nick your phone

Gonna pull your hair

Gonna cuss your mum

Mock the clothes you wear

I’m a vicious vindictive sore-headed bear

Push in the dinner queue - if you dare

What am I?

You’re a bully!

I can be racist

I can spit bile

I can be a fascist

And totally vile

I’m your judge, your jury

With no fair trail

And if I don’t use violence

I’ll hurt you with what I say

About your culture, race, religion

Or being gay

I’m a vulture

You’re my prey

Oi! Get outta my way!

What am I?

You’re a bully!

It’s ‘cause I’ve got no friends you see

That I bully to hide my insecurity

In fact people used to bully me

So now I’ll make your life a misery

What am I?

You’re a bully!

You Can't Cuddle Up With A Kindle

You can't cuddle up with a Kindle

Like you can cuddle up with a good book

Though it's high tech and smart

A book is pure art

For all it's microchip technology

And wireless connectivity

A Kindle is just IT

That can't replace your paper friend with a heart

You can't cuddle up with a Kindle

I'm not a Luddite

I willingly embrace the megabyte

But do we really want our bookshops and libraries to disappear from sight

And vanish like the vinyl LP

Left for dead by the MP3

With album covers we gazed at like lovers now history?

Don't give me plugs, wires and re-chargeable batteries

You can't cuddle up with a Kindle

A book has

Texture

Style

Individuality

Its own face

A spine

Genuine personality

When you first meet you whiff its wonderful ink

Then hold it tenderly and flick through each page

You display it on the shelf once you've read it

And watch it gracefully grow old as its leaves go gold with age

While an e-book just lies lazily on a hard drive

Flat, two-dimensional and never alive

Will our magazines, newspapers, comics and dictionaries survive

While this Kindle continues to thrive?

You can't cuddle up with a Kindle

Books can carry dedications, inscriptions, indelible memories, e.g.

`To Laura, happy birthday, love Mum and Dad, 2003'

To stay with you forever and ever

And when you're reading your novel on the train or tube

It's so cool to be seen together

Then everyone knows that you've got taste

And are not just another member of the Kindle clone race

Cuddle a Kindle in public you might get mugged

But you won't get attacked for the book that you hug

Say it proud

Say it loud

“I'M GLAD I GOT BITTEN BY THE BOOK-READING BUG”

Cause you can't cuddle up with a Kindle

To Each Their Own

The gardener looked at the flower

Thinking how pretty it would look next to her roses

The mathematician looked at the flower

Noticing its unique symmetry

The Christian looked at the flower

Observing God in it

The environmentalist looked at the flower

Concerned for its future

The teacher looked at the flower

And devised a lesson for her class

The businessman looked at the flower

Calculating how much money he could sell it for

The criminal looked at the flower

While plotting to steal it

The archaeologist looked at the flower

Longing to dig it up to see what was in the earth beneath

The artist looked at the flower

As she painted a beautiful picture of it

The romantic looked at the flower

Wanting to pick it for his beloved

The poet looked at the flower

And wrote this

Won't You be My Wonder Woman?

Won't you be my Wonder Woman?
Astounding
Astonishing
Amazing
Superhuman
Looking Amazonian
Creating pandemonium
Zapping super baddies with your electronic whip
You'll beat the bunch
With just one punch
And a flying kung fu kick
Life'll be a thrilling roller coaster trip
Starring together in your latest comic strip

You're the princess of power
Agile and extra strong
Forever righting
And fighting wrongs
Though I'm just an average guy I could tag along with you
To do things superheroes do
Razzling
Dazzling
Sizzling
Whizzing
High  
Into the sky
And upwards to the moon
Smashing the sound barrier with a blistering BOOM!
Zooooooooooooooooooooooooom!

Won't you be my Wonder Woman?
I'd like to ask you round for tea
You'd be the greatest girlfriend in the galaxy
People would be gobsmacked - they'd stand and stare
Wonder Woman and Neal Zetter such a perfect pair
Who needs Batman and Robin in their daft long underwear?
When our duo will be far more dynamic
Deadly super villains would flee in panic
At the very sight of us
So please put down that double decker bus
And consider what I said
Why stay solo - sign me up instead?

Won't you be my Wonder Woman?
With your sensational stamina and scintillating speed
We could help the helpless in their desperate hours of need
And have such exciting times
Conquering crime
With me trailing you not too far behind
While you inspire me to rap this rhyme called
Won't you be my Wonder Woman?
Astounding
Astonishing
Amazing superhuman

A Bit Famous

I'm just a bit famous
A bit well-known
No photographers are camped outside my home
My wax model isn't in Madame Tussauds
And a Lamborghini I can't afford

I'm not renowned
Like Elvis, Michael Jackson
Or the Queen
If I'm spotted in the street
Then nobody screams
“There goes the King of Poetry”
And I've never had a show on the BBC
Or ITV

I'm not a millionaire
I don't own a mansion
I don't get asked for autographs either
I've not been to Hollywood
I've not got a knighthood
I'm a flea next to Cheryl Cole or Justin Bieber

Now I DO get letters from my fans
That you can count them on the fingers of one hand
Of course I am more famous than YOU
Though Posh and Becks are bigger
Simon Cowell is too

But I'm not a megastar
I'm not a jet-setter
Only a poet, that's me: Neal Zetter
I'm not seen in Hello magazine
Or featured in the media
I've never had my own page in Wikipedia
I've not appeared in movies
Or had a number one hit
And my name's not on the back of your football kit

So if you ask me am I famous?
Am I famous?
Am I famous?
I say maybe...
Just a bit

Orange Man

He was an orange man
Had a fake sun tan
Said he went to Saint Tropez
Lied about his holiday
Booked the tanning shop instead
Lazed on a sunbed

Never been to Africa
Never been to India
Never seen America
Never seen Jamaica

He was an orange man
Had a fake sun tan
Chose to stay every day
Under ultraviolet rays
Made his skin feel just like leather
Though he'd never seen hot weather

Never been to Italy
Never been to Turkey
Never been to Portugal
Never been to Spain at all

He was an orange man
Had a fake sun tan
Changed his colour overnight
Though certain bits remained white
Didn't use a sun block
Only goggles and a sock

Never been to Tonga
Never been to China
Never been to Greece you know
Never been to Mexico

He was an orange man
Had a fake sun tan
Didn't need transport
Didn't need a passport
Had a very strange look
Like a chicken overcooked

Never been to Cuba
Not seen Madagascar
Never been to Pakistan
Israel, Egypt or Japan

He was an orange man
Had a fake sun tan

Malcolm X

 
 
Malcolm X
Malcolm X
Malcolm X
Malcolm X
Did they think you were
Illiterate
When you used to sign your cheques?

An Alien Lives at Number 42

A most unusual creature dwells next door
Put your ear to my wall you can hear him snore
Made of plastic
And elastic
His favourite meal is monster stew
There's an alien who lives at number 42

He has a giant TV aerial growing from his head
"Greetings Earth man" was the first thing he said
He's podgy
And splodgy
Wears a size 16 shoe
There's an alien who lives at number 42

He really is quite a friendly Martian chap
Who does't want to conquer us or anything like that
He's rubbery
And blubbery
I pinch myself but know it's true
There's an alien who lives at number 42

You can see his flying saucer parked outside
Give him three jelly babies he'll take you for a ride
He's spongy 
And grungy
I don't know his name - do you?
There's an alien who lives at number 42

He bought a one-way ticket from outer-space
So he could reside with the human race
He's kind of tall
But kind of small
Would you find him at the zoo?
No - he's the alien who lives at number 42!

He’s a P.I.G

He never ever has enough
Although he’s full he’ll stuff and stuff
Three cakes, four buns and a Crunchie too
His belly bounces more than a kangaroo
He’ll slurp and gobble, gulp and chew
Because he is a pig
He’s a pig
He’s a pig
He’s a P.I.G
His diet’s a catastrophe
If you met him then you’d agree
That he’s a P.I.G

His appetite is never-ending
It’s grub not people he’s befriending
Ten meals a day is just a snack
He shops in Sainsbury’s with a sack
He’s gonna have a heart attack
Because he is a pig
He’s a pig
He’s a pig
He’s a P.I.G
At dinner he’s in ecstasy
You eat for one, he eats for three
Yes he’s a P.I.G

He swallowed up twelve loaves of bread
His doctor said “He should be dead”
His breakfast is a whole horse baked
His lunch is fifteen fillet steaks
He burps and starts a huge earthquake
Because he is a pig
He’s a pig
He’s a pig
He’s a P.I.G
Butter, biscuits, pork pies, cheese
Check out his larder then you’ll see
Why he’s a P.I.G

He ate the dog’s food and the cat’s
Addicted to full-cream and fat
He even eats asleep at night
Some say his mouth should be sewn tight
Hold on to your head he might take a bite
Because he is a pig
He’s a pig
He’s a pig
He’s a P.I.G
Devouring every calorie
He’ll eat YOUR dinner too for tea
He’s a greedy P.I.G