Odd Socks

Odd socks are all I ever wear
I cannot make a matching pair

Which one vanished in the night?
My sock that's coloured white

Which one got chewed by the cat?
My sock that's coloured black

Which one's fallen down the sink
My sock that's coloured pink

Which one disappeared from town?
My sock that's coloured brown

Which one did Mum set alight?
My sock with orange stripes

Which one's tangled up in knots?
My sock with purple spots

Which one's lost under my bed?
My sock that's coloured red

Which one's in the washing machine?
My sock that's coloured green

Which one upped and ran away?
My sock that's coloured grey

Which one hid inside my shoe?
My sock that's coloured blue

And which one of mine was stolen?
The sock that had the hole in!

Odd socks are all I ever wear
I cannot make a matching pair

Bungee Jumping Grandad

'Geronimo!'
You'll hear him cry
While zooming off into the sky
He catapults towards the ground
He ricochets towards the clouds
Upon his head are five big bumps
'Cause Grandad loves to bungee jump

'Look out!
'I'm 90 but don't care'
He yells while falling through the air
My Nan is now a nervous wreck
The doctor says he'll break his neck
Just like a kangaroo in flight
I watch and cross my fingers tight

'Yipeeee!'
He's leaping from a tree
Or from a hotel balcony
Most pensioners like peace and quiet
Yet he likes deadly sports and heights
He plummets down, then bounces up
He wants to win the Bungee Cup

Booooiiiiing!
He dangles from a cliff
If I was him I'd be scared stiff
Though here at home we call him pa
On You Tube he's called 'superstar'
Will he crash into an aeroplane?
Will he splash into the pouring rain?
Will he tumble to Earth with a splat?
Will he squash and flatten next door's cat?
Will he soar away to outer space?
Will he disappear without a trace?
Will he crash-land with a mighty thump?
Who knows what will happen...
On Grandad’s next bungee jump

Blue

Blue is the colour we need most of all
Blue is totally cool
Blue is in the brightness of beautiful eyes
Blue is in the clearness of sweet summer skies
Blue stripes in rainbows too
The painful bruise on my big toe is blue

Comfortable jeans are blue as well
Lavender's blue - that's my favourite smell
Blue is in the Union Jack - the flag of our country
Blue gives the hue to Earth's oceans and seas
Inhabited by blue whales and blue sharks
Have you ever viewed a blue moon when it's dark?

Blue is for baby boys
Stupid Smurfs and Cookie Monster cuddly toys
The water turns blue when I disinfect my loo
Score five if you pot the blue with your snooker cue
Reds and blues divide footballing loyalties
Royal blue should be treated like...well...royalty
Light blue, dark blue and navy blue are frequently seen
Turquoise can't decide if it's blue or if it's green

Stinky Stilton, Gorgonzola and Danish Blue cheeses
Wouldn't it be odd if we had blue sneezes?
A Persian blue is a breed of cat
Got a cold blue nose? Turn up your thermostat
Tap your feet to rhythm and blues
Rock 'n' roll to Elvis' 'Blue Suede Shoes'

Blueberry juice will quench your thirst
Blue Smarties are the ones I always eat first
Blue Slush Puppies taste really weird
Did Bluebeard the pirate actually have a blue beard?
Superman's costume is mainly blue of course
As are the uniforms of our police force
You can argue till you are blue in the face
But if your skin is blue you must be of an alien race
From a distant galaxy in outer space

Blue is magical
So please, don't take it away
Because if you do
The whole world
Would
Turn
Grey

Nice?

I'm often called 'Nice' like the French port in the Med
While some refer to me as 'Nice' and rhyme my name with 'rice' instead
Although I taste of coconut and I'm sugar crystal topped
That's normally just about where the interest in me stops

I'm a cardboard rectangle with my edges serrated
The most boring, bland cookie to have been created
Like crumbling, dried cement with little flavouring
No chocolate, cream, raisins or jam for savouring

Why would you pick me to have with your tea
Instead of Hobnobs, Jaffa Cakes or Garibaldi
Bourbons, macaroons or ginger nuts?
Sadly my case is clearly open and shut

I should have been crunched up on the factory floor
I should have been locked up behind the bakery door
Whenever people pass around selection tins
My classy friends are chosen while I'm left in

I won't ever take the biscuit 'cause I'm too uncool
You can pronounce me how you want...but I'm NOT nice at all

Zooteacher

There's a teacher in a cage at my local zoo
Doing all the things schoolteachers do
Shouting at the parrots every time they squawk
Asking racing cheetahs not to run but walk

Handing out homework to the clever cockatoos
Shouting at the wallabies fighting kangaroos
Babbling to the badgers 'bout their ABC
While hanging from the branch of a tall, tall tree

He's such an incredible zoo exhibit
Of all the creatures he's the best one in it

There's a teacher in a cage at my local zoo
Doing all the things schoolteachers do
Sitting in the straw on the floor on his own
Drinking coffee and playing with his mobile phone

Telling off the hyenas for laughing too much
Yelling at the monkeys throwing monkey nuts
Explaining to the pigs why they shouldn't eat ham
Helping rats to read and pass their SATs exam

He's the first zooteacher that I've ever met
I want to take him home and keep him as our pet

There's a teacher in a cage at my local zoo
Doing all the things schoolteachers do

The Wrong Side of the Bed

Ben got out the wrong side of the bed
Like a big bruised bear with a super sore head
He cursed
He swore
Kicked wildly at his door 
Books, clothes and toys were strewn across his floor

He stomped down to breakfast
Was rude to his Dad
Though Mum greeted him "Good morning"
He snapped "No, BAD!"
Madder than mad
Like a raging bull
Losing his cool
The only colour he saw was blood red
When Ben got out the wrong side of the bed

His anger rose as he marched into school
He was caught throwing carrots in the dinner hall
He refused to hand his spelling test in
Stuffed his history homework into the bin
Uptighter than uptight
The whole world was wrong
And only he was right
He barged into a year six boy and then picked a fight 
'GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!' was the most frequent word he said
When Ben got out the wrong side of the bed

Normally he was a calm, quiet lad
Conscientious, sweet and charming
But today he was an exploding volcano
Dangerous and alarming
Spitting molten lava far and wide
After getting out of his bed from the wrong side

His teacher handed him detention
His Head threatened him with suspension
Then summoned his parents for a serious chat
Firmly and sternly reiterating that
Ben's behaviour was utterly regrettable
Completely reprehensible
Totally unacceptable
He was to be placed on a final warning
The old Ben was required to return to class next morning

When back home his folks screamed
"Shameful! Disgraceful! Out of our sight!"
So he stormed upstairs to his room
Switched off the light
As Ben's angry day ended with 
No computer, no TV, no pocket money, no tea 
And a very early night

What's the moral?
Never get out the wrong side of YOUR bed
Just count to ten
Turn over...
And get out the other side instead

Brian the Brain

Brian hasn't got a body
Nor any arms or legs
'Cause Brian is a brain
Who doesn't even have a head

Wrinkly, crumply, crinkly
A kind of walnut shape
Yes Brian is a brain
And definitely my best mate

Sitting next to him's so cool
He helps me with my maths at school
Science, French and literacy
Geography and history
Won Mastermind on TV
Brighter than a university
Every night I plug him in
Recharge him off the mains
You too would do the same thing
If you're buddy was a brain

The girls all think he's sexy
The girls all think he's sweet
He flashes his synapses
When he's giving them a wink
He never needs to have a drink
Eat breakfast, dinner or lunch
Brian is a brain and he's my number one chum

He only ever wears a hat
Completes a crossword just like that
Sudoko in ten seconds flat
Clever, intellectual
Brilliant and cerebral
(Though not so good at football)
Who doesn't need a computer at all?
Brian, the brain

I know it sounds incredible
Unbelievable and insane
But nobody is quite like Brian
'Cause Brian is a brain

Wikipedia

I'm on both knees to beg
Give me impact on the web
Help me maximise my presence in new media
I'm not a techy type
But I'm desperate for the hype
So please publish me a page on Wikipedia?

I'd be set to wow the world
Attract hoards of screaming girls
And some fanatical stalkers would be fine
Ubiquitous and viral
Stardom on an upward spiral
You'd nod in deference when you referenced me online

I'll be there with all the greats
Shakespeare, Wordsworth, Keats and Yeats
Skilled contemporary performance poets too
Zephaniah, Cooper Clarke
If I'm gonna make my mark
Then a Wiki entry's what I need from you

I don't care if it's pure fiction
Gossip, lies and supposition
With citations all invented on the hoof
'Cause if you put me up on Wiki
Rest assured I'd not be picky
If you were a tad economical with the truth

You'd read about my early life
My parents, kids and wife
My gigs, my poems, workshops and my book
Influences, latest news
My successes and reviews
You'd Google 'Neal Zetter' and then you'd take a look

Yes I'm bowing down and pleading
This is something that I'm needing
I could submit requests that are far greedier
But I just want a slice of fame
As history won't state my name
Unless I'm immortalised...on Wikipedia

My Carpet Spot

This is my carpet spot
My bottom rests upon it
This is my carpet spot
Don't put your bottom on it

My friends are either side of me
Together we learn A, B, C
And science, maths and history

This is my carpet spot
Shaped like a perfect square
This is my carpet spot
The spot I never share

I do not need a chair at all
When I am in my class at school
'Cause sitting here is really cool

This is my carpet spot
Fifty centimetres by fifty centimetres
This is my carpet spot
Where I listen to my teachers

There is no better place to be
My desert island in the sea
This seat's reserved - but just for me
'Cause this is my carpet spot

This is my carpet spot
This is my carpet spot
This is MY carpet spot!

I Miss You

Like a rock that has no roll
Like a worn sock that has no hole
Like a World Cup Final that has no goal
Like a summer sky that has no blue
I miss you

Like dogs without walks
Like knives without forks
Like tongues without talks
Like letter 'Q's without 'U's
I miss you

Like a great song never sung
Like a good deed never done
Like a long war never won
Like something broken never glued
I miss you

Like a track misses a train
Like Tarzan misses Jane
Like a raging fire misses flame
I've no clue of what to do when there's no you
I miss you

Daddy Darth

(Star Wars fans will know that the hero, Luke Skywalker, discovered his father to be his deadly nemesis, Darth Vader. But I think the mighty but evil Darth had other offspring...)

My Mother took a lover so my Dad is not my Dad
I've now discovered his ID - the news is pretty bad
He wants to rule the galaxy, owns his own Death Star
Darth Vader is my Pater
Darth Vader is my Pa

Because the Star Wars movies were huge box office hits
The demon from the Dark Side slept around a little bit
Waved his lightsaber far too much
Not knowing when to stop
So Luke Skywalker is my bro
And Darth Vader is my Pop

Guess I've found the reason why I'm such a heavy breather
It's all due to his DNA I use asthma relievers
It could have been Bin Laden or it could have been Hitler
But Darth Vader is my Daddy
And of that I feel quite bitter

The Force wells up inside me still my life is rather rough
Ashamed he builds The Empire and does tonnes of evil stuff
Maybe I'll meet a Wookiee, the thrill could not be bettered
But it's no laugh
The one called Darth
Is my begetter

The lesson to be learnt: Don't dig up your family tree
You don't know what you'll find playing genealogy
I sit waiting for the Jedi Knights to defeat my creator
Till then my name
Will have to change
From Neal Zetter...to Neal Vader

I Swallowed a Whale

Yesterday I swallowed a whale
Head, body, blubber, fins and tail
Like Jonah's story in reverse
Or swallowing a fly - but worse!
In the ocean for a swim
My mouth opened, it zoomed in
Friends tell me I'm pale and frail
Why?...
I swallowed a whale

One less beast's in the Atlantic
Now my stomach's grown gigantic
Drives me crazy, drives me nuts
Bouncing, bumping round my guts
Splashing, sploshing in my belly
A jumping, jiggling bowl of jelly
And I broke my set of bathroom scales
Because...
I swallowed a whale

"Enough!" I'm pleading with the vet
"Please remove then lose this pet!"
Everybody says to me
"There are plenty more fish in the sea"
(Though actually a whale's a mammal
Related not to cod but camel)
I should have swallowed an ant, a beetle, a worm, a spider, a slug or a snail
Instead...
I swallowed a whale

Our Fridge Door

Our fridge door is a voyage of discovery
Postcards from Peru, Australia and Italy
Four family photos from a day at London Zoo
Including penguins, pandas, parrots (but NOT kangaroos)
Some emergency phone numbers in case we need them
A note saying "Neighbour's cats: Don't forget to feed them!"

There's a letter for my brother about a job interview
And one from the dentist as his check up is now due
A school timetable, a map of Birmingham
A tiny squashed spider, sticky fingerprints from jam
There's a souvenir magnet picturing Tower Bridge
Yes all this super stuff's stuck onto our fridge

Our fridge door is a voyage of discovery
A voucher for deodorant, a chicken curry recipe
You'll spot the twelve times table ('cause that's what I'm learning)
A reminder that my new shoes need returning
Last year's Christmas shopping list containing loads of items
Impossible to understand through Mum's messy writing

A used cinema ticket, an old electric bill
Instructions for my Dad on how to take his purple pills
A drawing of my sister in which her head's shaped like a potato
To answer life's great mysteries see our refrigerator
So don't search on the Internet as you no longer need it
Just come into our kitchen find our fridge door and then read it

Gonna be a Goth

I'm gonna be a Goth
Gonna dress in black
Gonna live my life
To a Goth soundtrack

With a ghostly face and thick lined eyes
Waking up each morning looking like I've died
Every child that sees me will run and hide
A gentle heart but a scary outside

My clothes will be spectacular
I'll worship death and Dracula
While caking on the make up with super-sized spatular

I'm gonna be a Goth
Gonna dress in black
Gonna live my life
To a Goth soundtrack

Though 55 I've not missed the boat
On a hot summer's day I'll wear a long thick coat
If I'm hungry I might grab a bite of your throat
Or make a ritualistic sacrifice of a goat

I'll swap my songs by One Direction and Take That
For The Cure, Bauhaus and The Mission's tracks
Then it's off to the shops to buy a vampire bat

I'm gonna be a Goth
Gonna dress in black
Gonna live my life
To a Goth soundtrack

I'll cover my windows with dark sticky tape
Wear a shiny dog chain and a velvet cape
Sunsets I'll love, sunrises I'll hate
Ever partial to be sucking on an uncooked steak

I'll pay homage to Germanic history
Watch Tim Burton Movies on DVD
And drop all comedy from my poetry

I'm gonna be a Goth
Gonna dress in black
Gonna live my life
To a Goth soundtrack

Please don't say that I'm an asshole
When I move into a castle
'Cause I'm gonna be a Goth

How Many Sleeps?

How many sleeps till my next birthday?
How many sleeps till our summer holiday?
How many sleeps till my hair turns grey?

How many days?
How many weeks?
How many sleeps?
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

How many sleeps till I can write my own name?
How many sleeps till Christmas comes again?
How many sleeps till my football team wins a game?

How many days?
How many weeks?
How many sleeps?
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

How many sleeps till I can stay up real late?
How many sleeps till I can ride my roller skates?
How many sleeps when a tortoise hibernates?

How many days?
How many weeks?
How many sleeps?
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

How many sleeps till I buy my new shoes?
How many sleeps till I can spell 'Kalamazoo'?
How many sleeps till I stop asking you...

How many days?
How many weeks?
How many sleeps?
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

When I am Prime Minister

When I am Prime Minister
You'll have homework by the tonne
Maths lessons will quadruple
And I'll fine you for having fun

In the Tower of London dungeon
I'll imprison Her Majesty the Queen
On pound coin heads you'll find me instead
And all kids will be forced to eat greens

At my residence, 10 Downing Street
I'll rest with my feet up
While passing laws guaranteeing for sure
Just my team can win the Cup

Those nations I find annoying
My armies will invade in a flash
Then march their way round to your house
To confiscate your cash

Your screensavers and wallpapers
Will have to bear my face
Holidays and birthdays too
Will vanish without a trace

My special police will steal your sweets
Toys, TVs, books and games
I'll tax anyone who speaks or laughs
Or dares misspell my name

Each weekday you'll hear only classical music
Only opera at the weekends
These things I also promise to do
If I became PM

With my hand holding the master switch
I'll control the entire country
So tell me in next month's election please...
Will YOU be voting for me?

Love Britain

Yeah
I love Britain
I love its sun, wind, snow and rain
I love its jam-packed motorways
And sweaty overcrowded commuter trains
Friday fish and chips
Sunday roast dinners
The self-deprecating way it's uncomfortable with sporting winners
While clinging tightly to former glories
Yeah
I love Britain
And I'm proud to feature in its story

I love its wide welcoming smile
I love its huge variety
From pizza and egg fried rice to tapas and curry
Jerk chicken, falafel
Pad Thai, bagels and a Tex-Mex meal
The cool complexion of so many British places
The rainbow colours of so many British faces
North-south divide
Scottish, Welsh, Irish, English rivalry
Clean, green countryside
Choking but still coping cities
I'm delighted it's a destination so many tourists come to
I'm happy it's a haven that the downtrodden run to
Yeah
I love Britain

I rejoice that it's free
And even extremists can express opinions to the contrary
Like they don't want to live in a multicultural nation
Want to stop legal immigration
Prefer splendid isolation
But yeah
I love Britain
So I'll even fight for the right for those to voice that kind of criticism
Although they fail to see
That 'the enemy' is probably made from the same stuff as you and me
There is no purity
Only ever-growing diversity

Saxon, Viking, Roman
French blood too
Irish, Black, Asian, Gypsy
Catholic, Protestant, Muslim, Jew
And so much more blended into a unique British stew
We eat many types of cuisine from planet humankind
When we holiday, buy homes abroad or emigrate we don't mind
While enjoying music, art, fashions from all over the globe
Not embracing them's a backward step down a dangerous dark road
How can we be selective?
That would make our special 'British gene' defective

Yeah
I love Britain
I'm smitten
With the cornucopia of all it has to offer
This crazy hotchpotch is the capital and collateral in its coffers
The important stuff on which we should concentrate
Instead of viewing difference with mockery, suspicion and hate
'Cause aren't the things that some despise
The actual things that make GREAT Britain great?
Yeah
I love Britain
What about you, mate?