Just Do It!

My Nike training shoes and me
We glide around in harmony
Designed with flair
And a cushion of air
Ka-ching - two hundred pounds a pair
What better way to show my feet I care?
They get me everywhere I go
Sprinting like the wind
Or moving cool and slow
I’m in my flow
I’m on a roll
Leather upper and rubber sole
On the tip of my toe
When I score a goal
My Nikes are better than the best
Without them I don’t feel I’m dressed
 
I want to wear them in the bath
Want to wear them in my bed
Want to wear them for my work
Want to wear them when I’m dead
And that so simple slogan buzzes round in my head
Just Do It!
Just Do It!
Just Do It!
Just Do It!
If you wear Adidas or Puma in my book you blew it
‘Cause I worship the sign
The sign of the tick
My Nikes are fab and fan-tast-ic
Magni-fi-que and ter-rif-ic
Whether boot or trainer or runners with spikes
The only shoe to be true to for me is Nike
 
Durability
Credibility
Reliability
Invincibility
Guys: to generate girl reaction
Get yourself a slice of Nike action
The fastest footwear now in luminous green
Fit for the feet of a king or a queen
Making me be noticed
Making me be seen
Making me stand out from the crowd
Forever doing me real proud
So much so I want to shout aloud:
“You can travel by train, car, skateboard by bike
“But the only way for me to travel…is by Nike”

Luminous Yellow Banana Medicine

Luminous
Yellow
Banana
Medicine
I can’t take any more and I don’t think my belly can
It’s oopy and gloopy like rotten runny custard
As sickly as slime as disgusting as mustard
My Doctor says Neal “It WILL do you good
“If you take it with water or after your food
“It will kill that cough and dry up that cold”
I’d rather chew on your socks or a piece of old mould
Than
(L to the Y to the B to the M)
Luminous
Yellow
Banana
Medicine
 
Though I hold my nose and count to four
And promise myself “That’s it! No more!”
Mum still forces me to take it
(Though sometimes I fake it)
She says “It’s Amoxicillin
“Perfect for killing those nasty germs”
That liquid gives me nightmares, makes me shudder and squirm
And I swear it glows bright in the dark of the night
In the corner of the kitchen when I switch off the light
There’s always a struggle and often a fight
When it’s time for my
(L to the Y to the B to the M)
Luminous
Yellow
Banana
Medicine
 
Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!
I need a sugary sweet to suck
To lose the lingering flavour stuck to my tongue
I want to run
I want to hide
I feel it trickle down my throat and invade my insides
I’m going to grab the bottle and pour it down the sink
Or tip the entire contents into my sister’s drink
What’s the worst thing you could swallow that’s not purple, green or pink?
(L to the Y to the B to the M)
Luminous
Yellow
Banana
Medicine
 
I don’t ever want to sip that stuff again
(L to the Y to the B to the M)
Luminous
Yellow
Banana
Medicine

More Like Ken

Why can’t I be more like Ken?
He’s the male role model for so many men
Full of wit and wisdom and humour and charm
With a beautiful babe hanging on each arm
I’m an eight-stone weakling so God would it harm
Me being upgraded from a four to a ten?
So I can be more like Ken
 
My dolls would make great stocking fillers
All smooth and silky not hairy gorillas
Superman himself would want my physique
Though you’d need to pull a cord to make me speak
And though my head and limbs would move real stiffly
And my permanent stare would make me look so shifty
I’d forever be twenty instead of going past fifty
Of course I’d only be made of plastic
But being more like Ken would be fantastic
 
Other guys would no longer kick sand in my face
I’d wear a wardrobe of style and panache and taste
My biceps and triceps would ripple in the breeze
My tan would be the colour of Red Leicester cheese
They’d be a female scrum if I dropped my car keys
With women crying “Neal we want to please ya
Now you look more like that cute Ken geezer”
 
I’d own a Porsche, a Roller and two Lamborghinis
And be stalked by ladies in tiny bikinis
Enter Mr Universe contests and always win
Not be old and fat but young and thin
I’d have Schwarzenegger’s muscles and Daniel Craig’s chin
If you got Barbie’s beau and made me like him
Although he has no equipment to procreate or pee
Ken is still the bloke I aspire to be
 
Yes - my cosmetic surgery would be worth every penny
If I ended up looking…
MORE LIKE KENNY
 

 


 

 


 

 


 

The Shower Rap

I turn on the tap
And sing the shower rap
I turn on the tap
And sing the shower rap
 
I could spend my days
Standing, soaking in the shower
Relaxing
Untaxing
Chillaxing
In my ivory tower
Where I let that H20
Flow and flow
Over and over me
Time moves real slow
I’m in ecstasy
Skin tingles like electricity
Escaping daily drudgery
And monochrome monotony
Please lock the bathroom door on me
And throw away or hide the key
At 8 o’clock each night
You’ll not find me uptight
As I’m bound to be
Setting my spirit free
Life treats me sweet and never sour
In the shower
 
I turn on the tap
And sing the shower rap
I turn on the tap
And sing the shower rap
 
Steamy water, shampoo and soap
Combine in a cocktail to help me cope
With all the pressure, gloom and grey
And anything else thrown my way
I want to stay
Don’t want to stray
From this wonderful cool waterfall
It’s like a bath that’s vertical
I’m dripping, drenched and drowned and wet
Stress is so easy to forget
While washing off dirt, dust and sweat
Hour after hour
I’m a flat battery recharging my power
Till I smell like a bouquet of flowers
In the shower

 
I turn on the tap
And sing the shower rap
I turn on the tap
And sing the shower rap
When am I a happy chap?
When I sing the shower rap
 
 

My Sister’s Turned into a VAMPIRE

On the stroke of midnight
CLICK! Off went the light
I felt a nibble then a bite
My sister looked quite pale and white
And when she opened her mouth I got a massive fright
My sister’s turned into a VAMPIRE

I heard blood dripping then an ear-splitting scream
She looked scarier than anyone that I’d ever seen
It was real – not a nightmare or the darkest of dreams
My sister’s turned into a VAMPIRE

Her teeth grew sharp and long
She became powerful and strong
As ghastly as Godzilla
And a killer like King Kong
Where has my sweet little sister gone?
My sister’s turned into a VAMPIRE

When she comes home from school I run and hide
I keep a mirror, cross and garlic forever by my side
The doctor said
“She’s undead
“She’s transmogrified”
My sister’s turned into a VAMPIRE

She’s moved to Transylvania
(That’s a part of Romania)
Caught up in vampiremania
This poem could not get zanier
My sister’s turned into a VAMPIRE

She likes to sleep in a coffin rather than her own bed
Her favourite colour is most definitely red
She sold her Tracy Beaker books and bought the Twilight Saga instead
She swapped our cat for a bat that’s made its home in our shed
It’s doing in my head
My sister’s turned into a VAMPIRE

So don’t let her sink her fangs in you
It’s not a healthy thing to do
She’s now best friends with Dracula and Frankenstein too
It’s true!
My sister’s turned into a VAMPIRE

Yes if you see my sis
Don’t let her give you a kiss
My sister’s turned into a VAMPIRE

I Once Had So Much Hair

I once had so much hair
So much people would stare
It was there and there and there
And there and there and there
 
I once had so much hair
Curly, black and long
What’s left is short and grey
I don’t know what went wrong
 
I once had so much hair
Like a lion’s shaggy mane
The perfect thing in winter
To warm my head and brain
 
I once had so much hair
I used bottles of shampoo
I combed it all the time
It grew and grew and grew
 
I once had so much hair
Right here on my head
Now I’ve got a bald patch
So there’s a hole instead
 
I once had so much hair
But now I’ve lost the knack
If you see it anywhere
Please tell it to come back
 
I once had so much hair
 

 


 

I Like to Brush My Teeth

I like to brush my teeth
It keeps them shiny white
I do it twice a day
Each morning and each night
 
Brush teeth - up down
Brush teeth - round and round
Brush teeth - right left
Brush teeth - mmmmmm fresh breath
 
I like to brush my teeth
My dentist says I should
It stops me having fillings
And makes my teeth feel good
 
Brush teeth - up down
Brush teeth - round and round
Brush teeth - right left
Brush teeth - mmmmmm fresh breath
 
I like to brush my teeth
Until they’re really clean
It gets rid of the yellow
The brown, the black, the green
 
Brush teeth - up down
Brush teeth - round and round
Brush teeth - right left
Brush teeth - mmmmmm fresh breath
 
I like to brush my teeth
It tickles on my gums
Now I’ve got my own toothpaste
I’ve no need to share Mum’s
 
Brush teeth - up down
Brush teeth - round and round
Brush teeth - right left
Brush teeth - mmmmmm fresh breath
 
I like to brush my teeth
By the bathroom sink
If you don’t brush your teeth
I think your mouth will STINK!
 
Brush teeth - up down
Brush teeth - round and round
Brush teeth - right left
Brush teeth - mmmmmm fresh breath
 
 

Iron Man’s Gone Rusty

Iron Man slept out in the rain
He’s gone all stiff and rusty
His repulsor rays worked yesterday
But now are bent and busted
 
You’d better fetch an oil can fast
Crime-fighting could be in his past
Will this adventure be his last?
Iron Man’s gone rusty
 
Iron Man’s gone kinda stiff
His jaws too tight for talking
The grating sound you hear around’s
The noise he makes when walking
 
He’s starting to squeak
He’s starting to creak
From superhero to super freak
Iron Man’s gone rusty
 
He’s corroded, oxidised
He doesn’t look too clever
The shower neutralised his power
Defeated by bad weather
 
He’s bright orange (though once was red)
If only he wore a plastic costume instead
The newspaper headline I saw said
“Iron Man’s gone Rusty”
 
No longer invincible
He’s rooted to the spot
No longer indestructible
He now decays and rots
His super suit instructions state “avoid water”…but he forgot
So Iron Man’s gone rusty
 
Yes Iron Man’s
Like an old tin can
While his deadly enemies plot and plan
He’s turned the colour of fake sun tan
Iron Man’s gone rusty
 
 

Football Widow

They’ve been married since 1993
Said they’d be wed till they’re dead - i.e. for eternity
But when the man in black blows
And that silver whistle goes
Saturday at three
She’s living like a divorcee
A single soccer refugee
In solitary
While everyone apart from him can see
She’s a football widow
 
For two long hours his heart belongs somewhere else
He’s glued himself to Sky Sports
And stuck her on the shelf
Allegiances shift as romances drift
Unity gives way to a temporarily rift in their life
She becomes the invisible wife
While he groans and cheers and sups his beer
You can cut that atmosphere with a knife
She’s a football widow
 
He reads the game like she reads a book
Though he’s oblivious to the own goal he’s scoring
‘Cause when his world is electric hers is lonely, dull and boring
He swears, shouts, rants and raves, kicks the TV and the door in
While she sighs unsurprised and takes it on her chin
If they lose
He’ll drink more booze
So she’s praying to the Great God Rooney that they’ll win
But she’ll stick with him through thick and thin
Bear it and grin
It’s a cardinal sin
And amazing that she hasn’t reached for the tonic and the gin
She’s a football widow
 
She’s not quite seeing the beauty in the beautiful game
But whether World Cup or weekday matches his behaviour’s the same
Barging her into the margins ‘cause it’s England playing Spain
This commentator’s saying it’s déjà vu yet again
It seems it pours and never rains
For this football widow
 
Who doesn’t share his strange fascination
With twenty-two men and a ball, club v club or nation v nation
Retail therapy tends to ease her frustration
Compensate her deprivation
For this frequent 120 minutes of alienation
While he regresses and obsesses
She’s thinking “mmm - psychiatric examination?”
But speaking as a football pundit, in my summation  
There’s only one team in it that’s going to win it
And that’s not her – it’s him innit?
‘Cause she’s a football widow
 

I Want to Murder My Dentist

I want to murder my dentist
For every time she’s hammered in my head
For every nerve ending that she’s left for dead
For every teeny weeny piece of hurt
For every ruined blood-stained shirt
For every excruciating bit of root canal work
For every sharp metal clamp jammed into my tooth
For every `you won’t feel a thing’ violation of the truth
I want to get my own back
For her orthodontic attack
Wedge open her jaw and drill her
Inflict pain on her and kill her
 
I want to murder my dentist
For all her bland and banal one-way conversation
For every can’t-eat-for-three-hours numbing sensation
For her putrid purple water she makes me sip
For the spotlight she shines in my face that replicates an acid trip
For carelessly cutting my bottom lip
I want my aggression to unload
Give her what she’s owed
And grab her teeth
And gouge and grind them
And scratch and scrape them
And pull and pick them
And rob and rape them
 
I want to murder my dentist
For every carcinogenic x-ray
For every penny of the few million quid I’ve had to pay
Over the years
For making me confront my deepest fears
For inflicting the totally rubbish music of Magic FM on my ears
For every needle
For every injection
For the creepy rubber gloves she wears for protection
For every secondary oral infection
That’s necessitated a course of penicillin
For every single cap, bridge, denture and filling
 
I want to murder my dentist
For every tasty chocolate bar that she’s warned me not to eat
For every time I’ve swallowed my tongue through reclining too far in her seat
For every time she’s made me slur my speech
And dribble down my chest
For every second spent in her waiting room reading ten-year old copies of the Reader’s Digest
For wearing that scary mask and turning my sweetest dream to a nightmare
For making me frequently soil my underwear
For making me floss every night and day
For making my hair fall out and turn prematurely grey
For taking my dignity away
For every molar and incisor that she’s extracted
For every horror movie scene that she’s re-enacted
For every hostile action perpetrated
For every wince, whine and scream I’ve generated
 
I want to murder my dentist
I’ll get her in the end
‘Cause though she’s full of smiles
I know all the while
They’re only pretend
So I’m going to murder my dentist
Then instead of tasting antiseptic in my mouth…
I’ll taste the sweet taste of revenge
 
 
 
 

Love You Best

I love to cuddle my favourite teddy bear
I love walking round the house in just my underwear
I love the bit that’s remaining of my hair
Before he bombed Iraq I loved Tony Blair
But you’re the tip you’re the tops, you pass the acid test
‘Cause I love you best
 
I love the ear-splitting sound of the Wembley roar
When England score one, two, three or maybe more
I don’t love it when you snore and snore and snore and snore
I love a good Chinese meal - numbers 7, 21, 38 and 54
But you make my heart explode out of my chest
‘Cause I love you best
 
I love a hot chilli pepper to make me swelter and sweat
I love that sexy receptionist who works at the vet
I love to spend, spend, spend and get in serious debt
I love to Google myself on the Internet
But I meant what I said in that 103rd text
‘Cause I love you best
 
I love to get on my high horse and vent my spleen
I am an average bloke so I love to calculate the mean
I love to talk posh like Her Majesty the Queen
I love to sniff Tipp-Ex and snort Windolene
But you’re stuck in my brain in that skin-tight dress
‘Cause I love you best
 
I love to laugh in the face of the Nazi BNP
I love a 52-week a year holiday
I love to scoop the winning ticket in the Lottery
I love to have a date with Cheryl Cole in my diary
But I love you more I don’t love you less
Even wearing your wellies and a smelly string vest
Damn it girl I’m so impressed!
‘Cause I love you best

 
 
 

I Wish I was a Sumo Wrestler

I wish I was a sumo wrestler
I’d never see my feet
My bottom would be big enough to occupy three seats

I wish I was a sumo wrestler
My clothes would never fit me
I’d squash and sit on anyone who punched or kicked or hit me

I wish I was a sumo wrestler
I’d wrestle for a living
I’d eat your whole fridge for my tea plus forty-three roast chickens

I wish I was a sumo wrestler
They’d say “Look at the size of his belly!”
I’d wobble walking down the street just like a giant jelly

I wish I was a sumo wrestler
Heavier than twenty trucks
If you let me in your front door I would probably get stuck

I wish I was a sumo wrestler
A hero from Japan
A bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy million ouncy man

I wish I was a sumo wrestler
My weight would bust your bed
And I’d cause a massive tidal wave if I swam in the Med

I wish I was a sumo wrestler
As humungous as can be
I’d not fit upon the screen of your portable TV

I wish I was a sumo wrestler
A martial arts gold medal winner
And if YOU sniggered at my stomach’s size…
I’D MASH YOU UP FOR DINNER

Dear Grim Reaper…

Dear Grim Reaper
Have you ever thought of trying
To end this unhealthy obsession that you have with doom and dying?
You’re not at your best
You need a change or a rest
You look a tad depressed
Too much black in your dress
Let yourself unwind
Stop stressing out mankind
Why not have a makeover, do cabaret or pantomime?
Crack a joke or two and SMILE
Be willing to stop filling up on killing for a while
Make this your New Year’s resolution:
JUST SAY “NO” TO DEATH – FIND ANOTHER SOLUTION
 
Dear Grim Reaper
Or can I just call you `Grim’?
Lighten up, life’s for living
Learn to take it on the chin
Cheer up with a chill pill
Forget that woman on the window sill
Book yourself a massage or a work out down the gym
Don’t hang around people ‘cause they’re ill, infirm and thin
And wipe that sadistic grin
Off your face
Quit saying you’ll take me to a better place
I’m staying with the human race
My mortal coil’s not ready to be shed
So why don’t you join a Goth band instead?
 
Dear Grim Reaper
Please understand
I don’t want to take your hand
Blokes like you should be banned
From hanging on my shoulder
Just because I’m getting older
You think it’s fun when you make my blood run a little colder
You need careers counselling - develop your CV
Stop dining in the cemetery
Stop hanging round the mortuary
Stop stealing friends and family
Then I might ask your round for tea
Relax - book a sabbatical
Be less morbid and fanatical
If you dump that scary scythe
You might even find yourself a wife
Repeat after me: “IT’S GOOD TO BE ALIVE”
Dream of peace not war
Then you’ll be a happy sociable chappy
And not a Grim Reaper anymore
 
 
 
 
 

Feet

Feet, feet, feet
 
Feet can be short or fat or long
Feet that aren’t washed poo and pong
 
Feet help you go for a walk
Feet can’t ever, ever talk
 
Feet stretch upwards to make us taller
Feet are 12 inches on old-fashioned rulers
 
Feet can be very hairy
Feet can be very scary
 
Feet have normally got five toes
Feet travel with you wherever you go
 
Feet paddle in water in the sun
Feet join the legs that let you run
 
Feet usually come in twos
Feet keep warm in socks and shoes
 
Feet stand firmly on the ground
Feet are there when you look down
 
Feet are found in fours on dogs and cats
Feet that are muddy are wiped on doormats
 
Feet love to move
Feet tap to music and dance and groove
 
Feet get us from A to B
Feet take steps – 1, 2, 3
 
Feet like to rest when the long day is done
Feet are freaky, fantastic, fabulous, and fun
 
Feet, feet, feet
 

My Pet Bogey

I’ve got a special bogey
I keep him as a pet
He’s sticky, mucky, green and yucky
Sweet and small and wet
 
I call him Mr Bogey
He lives in a plastic pot
I found him face down on the ground
Unconscious in some snot
 
Though people say I’m weird
Though people say I’m odd
It’s fair to say that me and him
Are two peas in a pod
 
He watches bogey TV
Plays bogey music too
He wears his little bogey clothes
And tiny bogey shoes
 
I don’t want a cat or rat
A turtle or a tortoise
A kangaroo, a cockatoo
A wallaby or walrus
A snake, sea lion or a sloth
A haddock or a horse
Don’t you just know the way to go’s with Mr B of course?
 
My friends try to avoid him
Because he’s full of germs
I say “don’t be a meany to a greeny”
Take him on his own terms
 
Though we go to bogey parties
And have tonnes and tonnes of fun
I can’t take him on holiday
‘Cause he shrivels in the sun
 
I feed him on slime sandwiches
My bogey grows and grows
When he becomes a bigger bogey
I’ll return him to a nose
 
Then I’ll be sad and lonely
With no bogey anymore
Then perhaps I’ll find Mrs Fingernail
Lying somewhere on the floor
 

The Primark T-Shirt Rap

Some say I’m chic
Some say I’m cheap
Some say I’m made by slaves on a dollar a week
I’m in your high street like a rampant rash
Helping you to eek out your hard earned cash
In the midst of an economic crash
Ka-ching! Ka-ching! Ka-ching! Ka-ching!
Don’t forget to buy your matching bling
If style and grace are not your passions
Don’t bother with the Paris fashions
Keep third world poverty on the map
Do the Primark t-shirt rap
 
I stretch round your neck
And soon get out of shape
I’m a shirt that converts into a drape
My shiny colours fade away and disappear
But you can buy me again three times this year
If you’ve NOT got money coming out your ears
And you think you look cool in a sack
Do the Primark t-shirt rap
 
You find me piled high
Or lying on the floor
If you love cut-price gear
Then I’m your whore
If you don’t do Gaultier and Cardin collections
Get four of me for a fiver in Primark’s selection
And though you spend two days queuing at the till
I still can’t promise you’ll be dressed to kill
But you will have change for a Happy Meal
For endless tack on tap
Do the Primark t-shirt rap
 
On display I look dapper, dashing, silky and smart
But wear me for a week and I fall apart
I’m a top that’s not much cop
What paint-by-numbers is to art
The retail opium of the masses
Giving you more power to your plastic
Grab me from the rack
If you don’t mind looking crap
And do the Primark t-shirt rap
 
So if it’s haute couture
That you’re looking for
Try t-shirts from Selfridges, Harrods or another store
But if you want to pose
In two-a-penny clothes
Don’t do Burton, Next, Top Shop, FCUK or Gap…
Do the Primark t-shirt rap
 
 
 

Words

Words, words, words
Can be profound
Can be absurd
Can be political, sardonic or satirical
Be sublime
Rhyme all the time
Be blank verse or much more “LA LA LA LA” lyrical
Words can shock you, knock you, mock you, and rock you
Being stuck for words can…writers’ block you
 
Words can be the latest gossip that you’ve heard
If you’ve drunk too much they can be sssluuuurrrrrred
Can be amazing, engaging and incredible
Can remain etched in your brain, permanently indelible
Can change the way that you perceive
Your ethos, your ethics, how you behave, what you believe
They can be side-splittingly stupid, “HEE HEE” hilariously hysterical
Words like `one’, `two’ and `three’ are much more numerical
Words can appeal to your insanity
Or touch your humanity
Can be so deadly, destructive and divisive that they stop your flow…
They can make a lover stay or go
Turn a friend into a foe
Turn peace into war
Build you up
But bitter words can be the final straw
(Is that why she walked out your door?)
 
Homer Simpson’s favourite word is “doh!”
Words can take out your most powerful enemy with a single blow
Words can make you GROW
Into a better person
Or shrink and shrivel you into a worse one
They can convey banality, ingenuity and ambiguity
They can produce anxiety
Make you worry, stress and sweat
Make you doubt
Make you regret that we once met
Or make you laugh or cry till your underwear’s soaking wet
Shout “Buy! Sell! Buy! Sell” and they’ll increase the national debt
Simple words can even be understood by your pet: “SIT!”
Do you know all the words to this week’s number one hit?
 
Words can infringe your human rights
Set your imagination alight
Make it ignite
If you’re cheating in your spelling test then keep your words out of sight
Words can make you want to Google their inner meaning
Reach for a dictionary or a thesaurus
They tend to be repeated when you join in on the “CHORUS!”
 
Words can send you to sleepzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Especially if you think that talk is cheap
@#”#@$% swear words are often blocked out with a “BLEEP!”
Words can be illegal
They can be libel or slander
They can unconsciously be copied from a song by Bananarama
They’ll help Obama launch a verbal attack on Osama
Or vice versa
Grammatically incorrect words can make you speak worser and worser
They can be weighty, mighty, tiny or diminutive
Can be actually absolutely alliterative
Or lead us to sometimes split an infinitive
 
Words can make you relax
Till you’re calmer
And calmer
And calmer
So you can comfortably slip into your pyjamas
And spend whole weeks meditating like the Dali Lama: “Ummmmm”
Our words are the sum
Of who we are
If we couldn’t say what we wanted to say
We couldn’t even describe a wordless day as ` greyer than grey’
 
And when I’m long gone
And I am history
These words will go on and on and on
So you can still unravel their mystery…
 
Words, words, words
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

The Noisiest Class

The Noisiest Class I’ve ever heard
Are in this very school
They make a din
Do my head in
And disobey no talking rules
It’s 10pm and thanks to them
I can’t get any sleep at all
My ears still ringing
My mind still swimming
I tried to teach them
I tried to reach them
But they don’t listen to a single word
‘Cause they’re the Noisiest Class I’ve ever heard
 
Form 3J!
They make more racket in English, history, geography, science and maths
Than they do when they’re at play
“SHUT UP!” is the phrase you’ll bellow fifty times a day
They scream
They shout
They shriek
They yell
Louder than the fire alarm or bell
I try and try and try and try
I even emit the odd ear-splitting cry
But still I can’t hear myself speak
When I’m with the Noisiest Class you’ll ever meet
 
Some say
“They’re hyperactive”
Some say
“Too many fizzy drinks”
Some say
“They eat far too much junk food”
But I still can’t hear myself think
At all
Please give me those cute quiet kids in reception
Next time I have to take a lesson
Or I’ll crack up
Ask the army for back up
And take two years off work to unwind
After sharing a classroom with the Noisiest Class you’ll ever find
 
I want to hide in the staff room
Wear a big pair of ear plugs
Whistle an extremely loud tune
Stop my migraine with prescription drugs
They made ten teachers ill
Twelve teachers quit
I can’t handle any more of it
They can’t be tamed
They’re at it again
They confuse, addle, muddle and befuddle my brain
Unfortunately (for legal reasons) no pupils can be named
But they’re guaranteed to shatter your silence
Leaving you disrupted, damaged and disturbed
It’s the Noisiest Class you’ve ever heard
 
So cover your ears with Elastoplast
If you don’t want to have to suffer the Noisiest Class
 
 
 
 
 
 

 


 

 


 

 


 

 


 

I’m the Letter Z

It’s not easy being the letter Z
I’m always last when the alphabet’s read
I wish I was a C an F or a P instead
But I’m not
I’m the letter Z
 
I’m zigzag shaped like a lightening bolt
Or a capital N on its side
Though you don’t find me joining many words
I’m really a friendly guy
(Well that’s what other letters have said)
I’m the letter Z
 
I’m in `zip’ and `zap’ and `zebra’ too
In a `pizza’ I appear twice
I’m often put in place of an S
For example in `recogniZe’
Especially in the USA
Where `zee’ is what they always say
When they speak of me
Who gives the buzzzzzzzzzz sound to a bee
That’s buzzing round your head?
I do
I’m the letter Z
 
I live far far away
From the letter A
But next door to the Y
I'm not in between the two
Like the letter Q
I’ve no dot like a small letter `i’
And no symmetry like an O
If all the letters stood in order in a row
I’d be the last you’d get to know
I come out of your mouth or nose with a zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
When you snore in your bed
Because I’m the letter Z
I am the letter Z