The Incredible Hulk

Gigantic, green

Extremely mean

His punches really hurt

And every time his chest expands he tears another shirt

When chilled and calm

He does no harm

As plain ol' Doctor Banner

Though as the Hulk his strength and bulk will hit you like a hammer

He roars and rants

Wears purple pants

Has huge and massive muscles

'Cause gamma radiation floods and flows through his corpuscles

His conversation's limited

"Hulk smash!" is all he knows

At Christmas time it's best to buy him Next vouchers for clothes

Some say he is a force for good

Some say a force for bad

You wouldn't like him angry though so please...

Don't make him MAD!

Crazy Old Uncle

Everyone has a crazy old uncle
An extremely eccentric relation
With a tiny screw or small wire loose
Like a slightly out of tune music radio station

A little bit peculiar
A little bit strange
A little bit weird
A little bit deranged

Wearing clothes from the 1970s
Plus a wobbly wig on his head
He makes you laugh
Needs a really good bath
Always mending broken things in his garden shed

Everyone has a crazy old uncle
You're proud of him though he's quite potty
Drives a rusty scooter
Owns a stone-age computer
Spends weekends at Waterloo Station train-spotting

A little bit of a fruitcake
A little bit of an oddball
A little bit of a joker
Clowns around like a fool
Yet you love his visits 'cause he's still kinda cool

He can make a pound coin disappear
Pick eggs from your pockets and behind your ears
Brings you sweets and treats
Smells of wine and beer
He's everyone's crazy old uncle

Born centuries ago in Victorian times
Drives you nuts with silly jokes and sillier rhymes
He's one of a kind
A most unusual find
He's everyone's crazy old uncle

Yes everyone has a crazy old uncle
My nephews and nieces agree
But nodding their heads
Each one of them said
Their crazy old uncle is...
...ME!

Don’t Pick on Giraffes

Don’t pick on giraffes
Don’t say they look daft
Don’t look at their loooooooooong necks
And poke fun and laugh

Ok they look strange
Peculiar, odd
With heads such a distance away from their bods

I knew one who married a lamppost it’s true
I knew one too big to fit into a zoo
I knew one so lanky he'd not seen his toes
And one with a huge scarf he wore in the snow

Ok they look weird
Not what you'd call small
With ears so far up they cannot hear you call

I knew one who lived with his head in the clouds
I knew one who always stood out in a crowd
I knew one who never could find fitting socks  
And one even higher than two tower blocks

Giraffes are the tallest beasts you'll ever see
Much taller than you
Much taller than me
They’re taller than houses
They’re taller than trees
They’re taller than all really tall things
So please... 

Don’t pick on giraffes
Don’t say they look daft
Don’t look at their loooooooooong necks
And poke fun and laugh

It's a Dogs' World

It's a dogs' world
Different types, breeds, shapes and sizes
Unusual dogs full of surprises
Excited dogs that wag their tails
Extremely strange dogs that `miaow'
Dangerous dogs whose bites are worse than their bark
Naughty dogs that burst footballs in the park

Dogs that are tall
Dogs that are small
Don't let slobbering dogs lick your face at all
That's totally disgusting and completely uncool

Terriers, Poodles, Spaniels, Alsatians
Labradors, Retrievers, Collies, 101 Dalmatians
A never-ending dog catalogue from so many nations

Dogs out walking
Frightening cats
Some wear coats in winter
But rarely socks or hats
Charcoal black dogs
Chocolate brown dogs
Silver grey dogs
Setters coloured red
Floppy spotted dogs
Silly stripy dogs
Tiny toy dogs
It's unhygienic to let dogs sleep in your bed
Buy them a basket or a kennel instead

Frequently
Dogs must scratch an itchy flea
And drool and dribble while you have your tea
Even though they've just eaten
If you're needing a best friend a dog cannot be beaten

Dogs understand much of what's said
Despite only having two words in their heads
Walkies, dinner
Walkies, dinner
Walkies, dinner
Walkies, dinner
All day long
There's a dog on TV howling along
To his favourite pop song
And a movie star dog in an advert for dog food
Never let dogs grab your slippers as they'll be chewed and chewed 

Rabbits, hamsters, parrots, gerbils, moggies, horses and goldfish are fine
But they cannot compare to a cute canine
Wild dogs
Lost dogs
Guard dogs
Lazy dogs
Superhero dogs
Careful don't tread in doggy do
You'll end up with a smelly shoe

Dogs nervously trembling at the vet
Breaking out in a cold doggy sweat
Dogs stick by us constantly and won't let us forget
That when they say `woof!'
They're telling us they want a fuss
And they're definitely
The number one
Fun, fun, fun
Most perfect of pets

It's a dogs' world

Ice Cream Man

I'm an ice cream man
Drive an ice cream van
When the music sounds
You'll know I'm around

Hear the magic tune
Of my special bell
Buy my tasty treats
That I have to sell

Tutti frutti, blackcurrent
Cheesecake, watermelon
Toffee, grapefruit, apricot
Aniseed and lemon

Every day from three
I'm outside your school
If you're hot then shop
I can keep you cool

Orange sherbet, apricot
Mango, guava jelly
Cola, coffee, sticky fudge
Lime and chunky cherry

Buy a cone, a flake
Sugar sprinkles too
Want some sauce to dip?
Roll up - join the queue!

Caramel, peach, marzipan
Bubblegum, blueberry
Chocolate chip, mint, coconut
Butterscotch and raspberry 

I've the perfect cure
For that summer sun
Selling frozen feasts
Fun for everyone

Hazelnut, plum, strawberry
Pineapple, sultana
Apple pie, pistachio
Rhubarb and banana

I'm an ice cream man
Drive an ice cream van
When the music sounds
You'll know I'm around

Lost Letters

A, B, C, D, E, F, G
H, I, J, K
L, M, N, O, P
Q, R, S, T, V
W, X, Y and Zee

The alphabet is not so long
Please tell me where 'U' have gone

A, B, C, D, E, F, G
H, I, J, K
M, N, O, P
Q, R, S, T, U, V
W, X, Y and Zee

Christmas time! How can you tell?
It's because there is no 'L'

A, B, C, D, E, F, G
H, I, J, K
L, M, N, O
Q, R, S, T, U, V
W, X, Y and Zee

Are you poking fun at me?
Somebody has taking the 'P'

A, B, C, D, E, F, G
H, I, K
M, N, O, P
R, S, T, U, V
W, X, Y and Zee

Letter 'J' is not in view
It ran off to join the 'Q'

H, N, L, T, Y, V, P,
M, I, A, S, X, U, D
G, E, Q, F, O, C, J
W, R, B, Z, and K

ABC is now no more

Alphabetti spaghetti all over the floor

My Nan Rides a Motorbike

My Nan rides a motorbike

Setting motorways alight

Zooming up the M1

Racing through the rat runs

Backflips, wheelies, clever tricks

Pretty cool for 86

My Nan rides a motorbike

Giving motorists a fright

Tearing over Tarmac

Dashing down the dirt track

Screaming “Take a look at me

“Hell's Angel and OAP!”

My Nan rides a motorbike

Travels at the speed of light

Criss-crossing the country

Entering the Gran Prix

Crash helmet and leather gear

Chasing cops cannot get near

My Nan rides a motorbike

Dangerous as dynamite

Look - she's overtaking!

Sound barrier's breaking

Deadly demon of the roads

Traffic tickets she has loads

My Nan rides a motorbike

In the distance, out of sight

90 miles an hour

Oil and petrol power

Is that blur a shooting star

Or Nan bombing past your car?

You'll not find another like her

'Cause my Nan's a motorbikerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Bully

Gonna mash you up like strawberry jam

Gonna use your head as a battering ram

Gonna kick your rucksack as hard as I can

I’m a mixed up man

With an odious plan

What am I?

You’re a bully!

Gonna nick your phone

Gonna pull your hair

Gonna cuss your mum

Mock the clothes you wear

I’m a vicious vindictive sore-headed bear

Push in the dinner queue - if you dare

What am I?

You’re a bully!

I can be racist

I can spit bile

I can be a fascist

And totally vile

I’m your judge, your jury

With no fair trail

And if I don’t use violence

I’ll hurt you with what I say

About your culture, race, religion

Or being gay

I’m a vulture

You’re my prey

Oi! Get outta my way!

What am I?

You’re a bully!

It’s ‘cause I’ve got no friends you see

That I bully to hide my insecurity

In fact people used to bully me

So now I’ll make your life a misery

What am I?

You’re a bully!

You Can't Cuddle Up With A Kindle

You can't cuddle up with a Kindle

Like you can cuddle up with a good book

Though it's high tech and smart

A book is pure art

For all it's microchip technology

And wireless connectivity

A Kindle is just IT

That can't replace your paper friend with a heart

You can't cuddle up with a Kindle

I'm not a Luddite

I willingly embrace the megabyte

But do we really want our bookshops and libraries to disappear from sight

And vanish like the vinyl LP

Left for dead by the MP3

With album covers we gazed at like lovers now history?

Don't give me plugs, wires and re-chargeable batteries

You can't cuddle up with a Kindle

A book has

Texture

Style

Individuality

Its own face

A spine

Genuine personality

When you first meet you whiff its wonderful ink

Then hold it tenderly and flick through each page

You display it on the shelf once you've read it

And watch it gracefully grow old as its leaves go gold with age

While an e-book just lies lazily on a hard drive

Flat, two-dimensional and never alive

Will our magazines, newspapers, comics and dictionaries survive

While this Kindle continues to thrive?

You can't cuddle up with a Kindle

Books can carry dedications, inscriptions, indelible memories, e.g.

`To Laura, happy birthday, love Mum and Dad, 2003'

To stay with you forever and ever

And when you're reading your novel on the train or tube

It's so cool to be seen together

Then everyone knows that you've got taste

And are not just another member of the Kindle clone race

Cuddle a Kindle in public you might get mugged

But you won't get attacked for the book that you hug

Say it proud

Say it loud

“I'M GLAD I GOT BITTEN BY THE BOOK-READING BUG”

Cause you can't cuddle up with a Kindle

To Each Their Own

The gardener looked at the flower

Thinking how pretty it would look next to her roses

The mathematician looked at the flower

Noticing its unique symmetry

The Christian looked at the flower

Observing God in it

The environmentalist looked at the flower

Concerned for its future

The teacher looked at the flower

And devised a lesson for her class

The businessman looked at the flower

Calculating how much money he could sell it for

The criminal looked at the flower

While plotting to steal it

The archaeologist looked at the flower

Longing to dig it up to see what was in the earth beneath

The artist looked at the flower

As she painted a beautiful picture of it

The romantic looked at the flower

Wanting to pick it for his beloved

The poet looked at the flower

And wrote this

Won't You be My Wonder Woman?

Won't you be my Wonder Woman?
Astounding
Astonishing
Amazing
Superhuman
Looking Amazonian
Creating pandemonium
Zapping super baddies with your electronic whip
You'll beat the bunch
With just one punch
And a flying kung fu kick
Life'll be a thrilling roller coaster trip
Starring together in your latest comic strip

You're the princess of power
Agile and extra strong
Forever righting
And fighting wrongs
Though I'm just an average guy I could tag along with you
To do things superheroes do
Razzling
Dazzling
Sizzling
Whizzing
High  
Into the sky
And upwards to the moon
Smashing the sound barrier with a blistering BOOM!
Zooooooooooooooooooooooooom!

Won't you be my Wonder Woman?
I'd like to ask you round for tea
You'd be the greatest girlfriend in the galaxy
People would be gobsmacked - they'd stand and stare
Wonder Woman and Neal Zetter such a perfect pair
Who needs Batman and Robin in their daft long underwear?
When our duo will be far more dynamic
Deadly super villains would flee in panic
At the very sight of us
So please put down that double decker bus
And consider what I said
Why stay solo - sign me up instead?

Won't you be my Wonder Woman?
With your sensational stamina and scintillating speed
We could help the helpless in their desperate hours of need
And have such exciting times
Conquering crime
With me trailing you not too far behind
While you inspire me to rap this rhyme called
Won't you be my Wonder Woman?
Astounding
Astonishing
Amazing superhuman

A Bit Famous

I'm just a bit famous
A bit well-known
No photographers are camped outside my home
My wax model isn't in Madame Tussauds
And a Lamborghini I can't afford

I'm not renowned
Like Elvis, Michael Jackson
Or the Queen
If I'm spotted in the street
Then nobody screams
“There goes the King of Poetry”
And I've never had a show on the BBC
Or ITV

I'm not a millionaire
I don't own a mansion
I don't get asked for autographs either
I've not been to Hollywood
I've not got a knighthood
I'm a flea next to Cheryl Cole or Justin Bieber

Now I DO get letters from my fans
That you can count them on the fingers of one hand
Of course I am more famous than YOU
Though Posh and Becks are bigger
Simon Cowell is too

But I'm not a megastar
I'm not a jet-setter
Only a poet, that's me: Neal Zetter
I'm not seen in Hello magazine
Or featured in the media
I've never had my own page in Wikipedia
I've not appeared in movies
Or had a number one hit
And my name's not on the back of your football kit

So if you ask me am I famous?
Am I famous?
Am I famous?
I say maybe...
Just a bit

Orange Man

He was an orange man
Had a fake sun tan
Said he went to Saint Tropez
Lied about his holiday
Booked the tanning shop instead
Lazed on a sunbed

Never been to Africa
Never been to India
Never seen America
Never seen Jamaica

He was an orange man
Had a fake sun tan
Chose to stay every day
Under ultraviolet rays
Made his skin feel just like leather
Though he'd never seen hot weather

Never been to Italy
Never been to Turkey
Never been to Portugal
Never been to Spain at all

He was an orange man
Had a fake sun tan
Changed his colour overnight
Though certain bits remained white
Didn't use a sun block
Only goggles and a sock

Never been to Tonga
Never been to China
Never been to Greece you know
Never been to Mexico

He was an orange man
Had a fake sun tan
Didn't need transport
Didn't need a passport
Had a very strange look
Like a chicken overcooked

Never been to Cuba
Not seen Madagascar
Never been to Pakistan
Israel, Egypt or Japan

He was an orange man
Had a fake sun tan

He’s a P.I.G

He never ever has enough
Although he’s full he’ll stuff and stuff
Three cakes, four buns and a Crunchie too
His belly bounces more than a kangaroo
He’ll slurp and gobble, gulp and chew
Because he is a pig
He’s a pig
He’s a pig
He’s a P.I.G
His diet’s a catastrophe
If you met him then you’d agree
That he’s a P.I.G

His appetite is never-ending
It’s grub not people he’s befriending
Ten meals a day is just a snack
He shops in Sainsbury’s with a sack
He’s gonna have a heart attack
Because he is a pig
He’s a pig
He’s a pig
He’s a P.I.G
At dinner he’s in ecstasy
You eat for one, he eats for three
Yes he’s a P.I.G

He swallowed up twelve loaves of bread
His doctor said “He should be dead”
His breakfast is a whole horse baked
His lunch is fifteen fillet steaks
He burps and starts a huge earthquake
Because he is a pig
He’s a pig
He’s a pig
He’s a P.I.G
Butter, biscuits, pork pies, cheese
Check out his larder then you’ll see
Why he’s a P.I.G

He ate the dog’s food and the cat’s
Addicted to full-cream and fat
He even eats asleep at night
Some say his mouth should be sewn tight
Hold on to your head he might take a bite
Because he is a pig
He’s a pig
He’s a pig
He’s a P.I.G
Devouring every calorie
He’ll eat YOUR dinner too for tea
He’s a greedy P.I.G

Russell the Brussels Sprout

I'm Russell the Brussels Sprout

A roughy
A toughy
A beast
And a lout
I bully my way onto your plate
I'm rude
I'm crude
I'm the food you most hate
Bad Bill Broccoli is my best mate
I'm Russell the Brussels Sprout

I'm small
So uncool
A poisonous ball
Awfully obnoxious
And not sweet at all
Can you think of a more horrid vegetable
Than me - Russell the Brussels Sprout?

I'll ruin your delicious Christmas dinner
Give you frightening nightmares as well
If you want `disgusting' then I'm a winner
I'm cooked in the kitchens of hell

I'm mean
I'm green
Utterly obscene
You'd prefer a cute carrot or a beautiful bean
Cover me in ketchup
Smother me in sauce
Drown me in gravy
I'll still spoil your main course
If I'm finally swallowed it's often by force
I'm Russell the Brussels Sprout

I'm deadly and foul
I'm putrid and rotten
And bitter – so best left in Tesco forgotten
I'm the storm cloud to spoil the sunniest day
'Cause I make so much wind that I'll blow you away
All children scream “YUCK” when they see me and say
“I don't want Russell the Brussels Sprout”

006

James Bond, James Bond
I wanna be your sidekick
I wanna play with your gadgets
Learn your hi-tech tricks
I'll get you out of a fix
Star in one of your flix
Drive your sports car like it’s a Scalectrix

You 007 me 006
I’ll be your sidekick
James Bond

I’ll be your number two
Introduce me to M and Q
Miss Moneypenny and the MI6 crew
Save the world is what we’ll do
From evil Doctor Megalomaniac
We'll stop him in his tracks
We’ll dodge the flak
When the enemy attack
I’ll watch your back
I’ll get the knack
I’ll support your act
We’ll make a pact
You’re not a man in a mac
Like a common-all-garden private dick

You 007 me 006
I’ll be your sidekick
James Bond

We’ll be a dream team
Like chocolate sprinkles and vanilla ice cream
Destroy villains’ plots and schemes
Though the bullets hail
We'll fight not fail
We'll put them in jail
Refuse the bail
Live to tell the tale
Then spend some time in Casino Royale
And once we’ve saved the world
I’ll fall in love with a beautiful Bond girl
Take my pick
Of the grooviest chicks

You 007 me 006
I’ll be your sidekick
James Bond

LOUD

 
 
I love to play my music loud
Open my windows
Attract a crowd
Make a row
In the street below
Let the music flow
Put on the greatest show
Welcome to my free disco
It’s the way to go
Dig the party I’m gonna throw
I love to play my music 
LOUD!

The speakers are banging “Boom! Boom! Boom!”
I want to wake the aliens on the moon
They too can dig my favourite tune
Blaring out in full bloom
Soul, metal, jazz, folk, hip hop
Reggae, punk, funk, indie rock
R&B, rap, bubblegum pop
Up goes the volume 
I don’t wanna stop
I love to play my music 
LOUD!

I want the world record for noisy music to break
I want to make the walls and the crockery shake
And vibrate
I want to feel the sound all around
Hear the drums crash, bash, smash
And the rhythm pound
In my head
I want to disturb everyone asleep in bed
And wake dead
What’s that word I said?
I love to play my music 
LOUD!

I don’t need earphones or an iPod
I want my music to reach up to God
In the sky
And make aeroplanes quiver as they fly by
‘Cause I’m a musical guy
Till the day I die
Music’s the apple of my eye
I’ve got no other fish to fry
So silence is in short supply
I love to play my music 
LOUD!

Neal Zetter: 4th Sugababe

 
 
So I was there
At the Sugababes’ audition
Thinking my singing voice was in tip-top condition
As I performed a wicked harmony
On Push the Button
Ugly
And Freak Like Me

So why did I feel un-ease-ee?
A sense of inferiority
Washed over me

‘Cause I had all the right clothes
All the right moves
Make up
A blonde wig
All the right grooves
And a pair of swanky high-heeled glittery shoes
Now I’m not cross-dresser 
But is there anything you wouldn’t do
To make your dream come true?
Yes - I was happy to misbehave
If it meant I could be the 4th Sugababe

It could have been so much more than just my fifteen minutes of fame
It was what I was built for
My raison d’etre
Becoming the 4th Sugababe 
Brit Awards, money, groupies, world-wide recognition etcetera
People asking for my autograph saying “Neal we’re glad we met ya”

So I was there with the Babes
Just the four of us
Me, Keisha, Heidi
And the other one who’s pretty…
Anonymous
Then the bombshell dropped
With a giant p-lop
My heartbeat s-topped
As Heidi said
“Look – the thing is Neal
What we feel is
Though it’s been a difficult decision
It’s a Sugababes tradition
To admit only girls into the band
You are kinda cute
A fab vocalist to boot
But the thing is YOU’RE A MAN
So I hope you understand
That you just wouldn’t suit”
Well!
Clutching straws I looked over at Keisha
Who alas agreed with Heidi and solemnly nodded
Then the other one (whose name I still didn’t know) did the same
After she was prodded

I wanted to scream “foul”
Cry “sexual discrimination”
And being Jewish as well look at anti-racist legislation
But bitterness can drag you down
And I thought I’d get a few quid on E-bay
For my stage outfit and ball-gown

In fact the Babes were great really
They said the call was tough
That they hoped I felt I hadn’t been treated too rough
As I left they gave me stickers, posters CDs and all kindsa stuff
Tickets for their next show
They said I could be an extra in their next video
(I asked Heidi for her mobile number but she told me where to go)

And if you’re wondering
How I managed to pull myself back together
Well my motto is: “never say never”
So I’m NOT gonna live my life under a cloud
Instead I’m completing my application
To be the 6th member
Of Girls Aloud

I'm not Superman

I'm not Superman
Though you think I am
I'm not the one to get you out of a jam
The t-shirt you see upon my torso
Displaying that s-shaped red and yellow logo
Is something I dress in for fashion and fun
I'm not the guy who can fly from the planet with the red sun
I'm not Superman

I'm just a geeky superhero fan
Who makes a living writing rhyming verse
I'm not the guardian of the galaxy
Or protector of the universe
I come from North East London
Not from outer space
I save Superman comics not the human race
Want the real Man of Steel? You're looking in the wrong place
Don't you know it
I may be super poet
But I'm not Superman

It's a case of mistaken identity
Batman and The Flash aren't friends with me
Lex Luthor isn't my enemy
He's not plotting to destroy me with an evil master plan
Why?
Because I'm not Superman

I've no super speed
No x-ray vision
I've not appeared in movies
Or on television
I've no super strength
No telescopic sight
No special reflexes
No power of flight
And I'm not allergic to green Kryptonite
I'm honestly not that super-type

Don't be fooled if you're staring
At the famous top I'm wearing
Sorry to disappoint you but please understand
I'm not, never have been and never will be...
Superman!

Malcolm X

 
 
Malcolm X
Malcolm X
Malcolm X
Malcolm X
Did they think you were
Illiterate
When you used to sign your cheques?