Guinness World Records

The world's hairiest tongue
The world's fattest ants
The world's runniest nose
The world's tightest underpants

The world's stupidest joke
The world's biggest bum
The world's bounciest bed
The world's stretchiest chewing gum

The world's politest shark
The world's craziest laugh
The world's coldest volcano
The world's tiniest giraffe

The world's ugliest baby
The world's longest noodle
The world's wettest water
The world's strangest doodle

The world's squashiest tomato
The world's snottiest sneeze
The world's smelliest nappy
The world's itchiest fleas

The world's crunchiest crisps
The world's laziest cheetah
The world's quietest noise 
The world's spiciest fajita

The world's whitest ghost
The world's stripiest pyjamas
The world's spottiest teenager
The world's bendiest bananas

The world's strictest teacher
The world's poshest princess
The world's loudest burp
The world's hardest spelling test

The world's smartest website
The world's cleverest book
The most fantastic facts and feats 
Do you want to take a look? 
At 
Guinness! 
World!
Records!

Remember

For all the lives that were lost

For all the minds that were crushed

For all the trenches and mud

For all the bile and blood


For all the yards of barbed wire

For all the guns that were fired

For all the bombs and the blasts

For all the poisonous gas


For all the loved ones who cried

For all the generals who lied

For all the flags vainly waved

For all the crosses on graves


For all the horror and pain

For every 'never again'

On this Sunday in November

Wear your poppy and...

Remember

Wet Play

Children bouncing off the walls
Breaking each and every rule
Noise and din rapidly growing
Teachers' stress levels are showing
Tables, chairs wrecked in a mess
Scattered Lego, draughts and chess

Games out 
Books away
Everyone shouts
"Wet play!"

Eat your lunch then class again
'Cause outside it's pouring rain
Football pitches drenched and muddy
Sandpits soaking, drowned and flooded
Drier times are so much better
It's no fun when weather's wetter

Autumn clouds
Dark and grey
Thunder! Lightning!
"Wet play!"

Pupils bored, nothing to do
Jump about like kangaroos
In a hyperactive state
More a battle than a break
Miss is yelling "Stop! Stop! Stop!"
Praying soon it's one o'clock

Summer sun?
Not today!
So what's instead?
WET PLAY!

H2O

Water, water, everywhere to wash in and to drink
Filling up the swimming pool, the bath and kitchen sink
It makes the grass and flowers grow
In winter time it's ice and snow
In France it's known as just plain `eau'
Go with the flow
It's H2O

It has no colour, taste or smell
Found in rivers, lakes and wells
Splash, splash
Splosh, splosh
Drip, drip
Drop, drop
Rain, rain, rain will it ever stop?
Precipitation all over our nation
Go with the flow
It's H2O

Two-thirds of the Earth is covered in it
It's home to billions of fishes
Dangerous enough to drown all of us
Yet without it how would we do the dishes?
Great to shower in
Great to bathe in
Put down that water pistol, stop misbehaving
Go green instead, start water saving
Go with the flow
It's H2O

People die when it runs out
In Africa in times of drought
In the sweltering, scorching, sizzling sun
But if it's plentiful
Like in a waterfall
It's gurgling, gushing, glorious fun
What liquid's top of the plops at number one?
Be saturated not dehydrated
Go with the flow
It's H2O

It's in the waves of the oceans
In the tide of the seas
In the wet of our sweat
And in the `achoooooooooo' of your sneeze
It's in coffee, milkshakes, juice and teas
Turning to steam at one hundred degrees
Though at zero you can watch it freeze
I'm so thirsty, pour me a glass of water please
Go with the flow
It's H2O

Clark Kent

Why must I be Clark Kent?
The meek mild-mannered American gent
While Superman wins all of his fights
And stands for everything that’s right
I hate what I’ve come to represent
I’ve no x-ray vision, I can’t fly
I’ve got a voice that’s far too high
And though Superman can never die
I bruise, cut, graze, scratch, bleed and dent
‘Cause I’m the big flop, milksop - Clark Kent

Superman’s on all the pages of every comic book he’s in
While I rarely even get to have a look in
His pictures are plastered across each edition’s cover
He takes all the plaudits and has all the lovers
I’m too far down the pecking order ever to recover
And that’s something that I really resent
I’m soooooo not content
With being plain old, same old - Clark Kent

It’s just not right
‘Cause I’m not scared of green kryptonite
But Superman is yet he’s portrayed as indestructible
While I’m seen as flimsy, weedy, weak and combustible
I’d ask that Man of Steel to change places with me
But he’d never agree
To be a mere Daily Planet reporter slaving away to pay his rent
He’s a hero, I’m a zero - I’m Clark Kent

Why can’t I rescue damsels in distress
Face super villains and Herculean tests?
Why must I wear specs from the National Health
And not contact lenses like everyone else?
Why must I use a phone box to undress?
Why can’t I have a yellow `CK’ on my chest?
Why can’t I be like him – strong, muscular and cute
And wear something more dashing than a boring blue suit
And tie?
Oh why does Lois Lane prefer that super guy?
Yes, you too would have this much anger to vent
If you were Mr Anonymous, Mr `Does He Have to Tag Along with Us?’
Clark Kent

I’m always being labelled as a great big drip
So Mr Superman Editor pleeeeease - change the script
To have my very own comic strip would be heaven sent
And what would I call it?
Just `Clark Kent’

I’m an Ant

I’m an ant
I’m a tiny ant
I think it’s cool
To be so small
Unlike a giraffe who’s very tall
Or a huge elephant
What am I?
I’m an ant

I’m a tiny ant
I crawl in pavement cracks
Under closed doors
Up your garden path
On your old apple cores
And then I get into your pants
What am I?
I’m an ant

I'm a tiny ant
I think it’s wise
To be a millimetre in size
Then I can hide from hungry flies
Please join me in my rant
What am I?
I’m an ant

I'm a tiny ant
I move through mud
Live under rocks
Walk about in grass
And in your smelly socks
Be careful where you stamp
You might tread on me
What am I?
I’m an ant

I'm a tiny ant
That’s what I am
I’m gonna steal your strawberry jam
For tea
So give me an `A’ an `N’ and a `T’
I can see you
But you can’t see me
What am I?
I’m an ant

Spider-Man!

Over New York City
Deep in the night
You'll spot him at the highest height
Who's that bloke in the blue and red tights?
That's Spider-Man!

He spins a web
Then catches crooks
And stars in films and comic books
Known for his strength and insect looks
That's Spider-Man!

Peter Parker's his real name
He and our hero are one and the same
Powerful enough to stop a runaway train
That's Spider-Man!

Destroying villains' evil plans 
He’s more super than Superman
Swinging 'cross the sky like an orang-utan
That's Spider-Man!

He beats Green Goblin, Electro too
While stuck to buildings without glue
Which spider can't be flushed down your loo?
That's Spider-Man!

Though danger threatens don't be scared
He'll save the world with time to spare
So if you're a fan wave your hands in the air...

And shout "Spider-Man!"

Angry Shopping Trolley

I am an angry shopping trolley
You guide me left and right
But I've got a bad attitude
So I go where I like
If you choose to use me
I'll eat and keep your pound
Then make you shake and then vibrate
While you move me around 

I am an angry shopping trolley
A metal mean machine
Although my mates help customers
I'm awkward as can be
I knock into your kneecaps
I roll over your toes
Please bring a bag with you next time
And leave me here alone

I'm an angry shopping trolley
Not your supermarket pal
Why don't you buy your groceries
Somewhere else inside this mall?
I bash the other trolleys
And give them bad headaches
It's not my fault I don't possess
A steering wheel or brakes

I gripe and get real grumpy
When kids sit in my seat
While parents push me down the aisle
And cram me full of fruit...salad...biscuits...drinks...vegetables...fish...crisps...and meat
Take me to the checkout - now!
Or I'll suddenly stop
I'm an angry shopping trolley
Who doesn't want to SHOP!

Elephant in the Room

Are zebras black with white stripes?
Or are they white with black?
Why was that murderer never charged
When we know curiosity killed the cat?

If early birds catch the worms
Why don't worms get there later?
Can an adder also multiply
Without a calculator?

Do all camels have the hump
They seem quite chilled to me?
Fish have no hands
So how'd I get fish fingers for my tea?

It's strange that a wolf in sheep's clothing
With a monkey on his back
Turned into a paper tiger
Once he could smell a rat

Which came first the chicken or the egg?
Neither - dinosaurs of course
Are horses really liquidised
To make horseradish sauce?

We know a man cannot fly
But can a fly man?
Why is it one, three, four and five can't
But toucan?

Would a cheetah be disqualified
When finishing a race?
Why has a hare no hair at all
But has fur in its place?

Are hyenas daft to laugh
When there is nothing funny?
Pull a rabbit from a hat
And you're a clever bunny

You can kill two birds with one stone
Economical, but cruel
While the elephant in the room?
I won't mention it at all

National Hug a Zombie Day

(That's Halloween of course – the one day a year when we should be nice to zombies)

Please give zombies cuddles
Please give zombies love
Though they're gruesome, grim and grey
It's the time to cheer them up
Show them your charms
Hold out your arms
Don't let kindness go astray
On National Hug A Zombie Day

Though they're shifty
Move so stiffly
They're not nasty girls and guys
Just misunderstood a bit
And bitter since they've died
They hang about graveyards
Yet that shouldn't cause dismay
On National Hug A Zombie Day

Do they make your flesh crawl?
Do they make your skin creep?
Are you troubled by the undead company they keep?
They're not too groovy
In horror movies
But help forgiveness find a way
On National Hug A Zombie Day

Their brains could be hanging out
Their limbs dropping off
They could be making zombie noises
And looking rather rough
They bite and fight
Don't sleep at night
Who cares? Ask one round to play
On National Hug A Zombie Day

If it bothers you to find them in your bed
If it bugs you that their eyes are bloodshot red
If you're worried by those axes sticking out their heads
Each Halloween
No need to scream
As everything's okay
On National Hug A Zombie Day

Sunday Jumper

Check out my Sunday jumper
Such a nifty little number
Cooler than a cucumber
Don’t you dare rent it asunder
Kind of casual
Every single man'll have a Sunday jumper

Bought from Peacocks in 1995
Now ageing, tatty and barely alive
Not going to win any fashion contests
It slips over my head and covers my vest
Clinging lovingly to my back and chest
What's the natty knitted clothing I like best of all
That many say I should save for funerals?
My Sunday jumper

With patches on the arms
That have patches on them too
Three darned holes
Stains of chicken vindaloo
Never ironed
Full of creases
Though my wife wants to wash it
I refuse to release it
No need to recycle it or put it in the bin
Though virtually transparent where it's torn and worn and thin
It's knackered but does what it says on the tin
The perfect slob wear
For the day of the week when I couldn't care
My Sunday jumper

Monday to Saturday
You'll find me so smart
Scrubbed up, dressed up
A living work of art
But when the Sabbath arrives
It's my guilty pleasure
Being clad in a wooly top
Looking worse than British weather
With Sellotaped seams
Barely holding it together
This furry pal
Bought cheap in a sale
Passed it's sell-by date
Growing staler than stale
Smells of cigarettes, toilets, cats and beer
Yet it can still do the business for at least ten more years
There's not a bad word that I want to hear
About my Sunday jumper

SOAP!

It makes your skin feel smooth and nice
While killing off your fleas and lice
As slippy as a slippery slope
You can't beat a bar of
SOAP!

Removing grease between your toes
And grime that gathers round your nose
If your personal hygiene's a joke
You can't beat a bar of
SOAP!

Little babies always enjoy it
Teenagers always avoid it
More bubbles than a can of Coke
You can't beat a bar of
SOAP!

Rub and scrub, bring out those suds
Bash stubborn stains and murder mud
Make a lather till you're thoroughly soaked
You can't beat a bar of
SOAP!

Don't tip or drip it in your drink
Use plenty if you smell or stink
Hippopotamuses how do they cope? 
You can't beat a bar of
SOAP!

Put in on your 'orrible oily bits
Add it to disgusting soily bits
If your Dad is a dirty bloke
Tell him “You can't beat a bar of
“SOAP!”

In winter when it's cold you're freezing
Coughing, croaking, wheezing, sneezing
Cry out and give a loud whoop
You can't beat a bowl of
SOUP!

My Mobile Phone

You’re my mobile phone

When I’m with you I’m never alone

I carry you everywhere I roam

Happy to be a rolling stone

With you as my connection home

I’m like a dog with a bone

With a customised ring tone

You’re my mobile phone

My magical box of tricks

Address book, apps, pics

Music, video clips

A mini mass of microchips

In a carefully chosen case

It’s your ID

Your face

You’re a perfect piece of technology

We share the same psychology

‘Cause when I text

You even predict what I’m gonna say next

I can’t overstate

That you’re my best mate

You tell me the time

You tell me the date

(I even love it when you vibrate)

Yet you’re so small and lightweight

You’re simply great

You’re my mobile phone

You’re my pal sleeping in my pocket

Hearing everything that’s said

With me each birthday, New Year’s Eve, holiday,

And when I got wed

Some people have a teddy bear

But I take you to bed

You give me street cred

Permanently stuck to the eyes in my head

Or in an ear

I hold you dear

Forever near

The world in the palm of my hand

Rio, Reykjavik, Rotherham

Riyadh, Redwood and Rome

You take me to these places

Without me being flown

You’re my communication zone

You’re the best thing I own

You’re my mobile

You make me smile

You’re my mobile phone

There’s a Monster Locked inside Me

There’s a monster locked inside me

And sometimes he gets out

Often the monster SCREAMS!

Often the monster SHOUTS!

He won't do what he's told to do

He throws and breaks his toys

Frequently he terrorises other girls and boys


There’s a monster locked inside me

Bad-tempered, mean and mad

He snarls and growls at adults too

(Especially Mum and Dad)

The monster follows me to school

Scares children and the teachers

Disrupting classes, flouting rules

A most unpleasant creature


There’s a monster locked inside me

Who's been known to wear my clothes

They say the monster follows me

Everywhere I go

Last week he hit my little sister

SMACK!

Upon her nose


There’s a monster locked inside me

Stuffed my sweets into his belly

Next he was sent up to my room

And banned from watching telly

He spoke throughout assembly

He stole my friend's football

Though everyone sees him about

I’ve not seen him at all


Yes, there’s a monster locked inside me

Who escapes when I’m not around

Leaves trails of mass destruction

Then disappears without a sound

He will return tomorrow

As his evil deeds aren't done

He really is a horrid, naughty, nasty, troublesome, devilish little monster

So if you see him (or me)...RUN!

If I was a Spy

If I was a spy
I'd be a master of disguise
If I was a spy
I'd wear dark glasses on my eyes

If I was a spy
I'd sneak round secret places
If I was a spy
I'd hide cameras in suitcases

If I was a spy
I'd be an ace code-cracker
If I was a spy
I'd catch computer hackers

If I was a spy
I'd protect and serve my country
If I was a spy
Evil governments would hunt me

If I was a spy
Bad guys couldn't beat me
If I was a spy
No villain could defeat me

If I was a spy
You'd have no way of knowing
Because if I was a spy...
I wouldn't tell you in this poem

Headmistress Cane

Headmistress Cane is my name

I don’t want to see YOU in my office again

I’ve a slipper, a stick, a ball and a chain

The scariest Head that you’ve ever seen

I rule my school like a tyrannical queen

Keep in line all the time

And you won’t feel a thing

But behave badly

Then sadly

I'll cause you great pain

I am Headmistress Cane


I expect perfect behaviour 24/7

Each child must act like an angel from heaven

Not a word out of place

Not a word when I’m talking

Not a word disobeyed

No running, only walking

In my corridors

And if you’re impolite

Or push, shout or fight

I guarantee that you’ll be tamed

By me, Headmistress Cane


I’ve a dungeon below my office for the most unsavoury pupils

Mess with me and your days won’t be very fruitful

But full of misery, grief and punishment too

And a whole week’s detention spent locked in my loo

I might even throw away the key

And if you’re the person who threw that stink bomb in chemistry

You’ll run fifty laps of the field in the snow and the rain

I am Headmistress Cane


And even my teachers

Are endangered creatures

As my staff

Must not laugh

While they work and they graft

Don’t you tremble at the sight of me?

Have nightmares every night through me?

Sit up straight in my assembly!

Or I’ll see you at 3.30pm

To give you lines before you can count up to ten

In my lessons you’ll sweat and you’ll strain

I am Headmistress Cane

Some call me “devil”

Some call me “dictator”

If you’re naughty you’ll be caught by me sooner not later

I’ll mash you up more than mashed up mashed potato

‘Cause even school inspectors bow down to me

When I give them a scowl and a frown you’ll see

Why my school always gets an excellent grade

So be fearful and frightened and fully afraid

Or I’ll set you so much horrid homework to do

You'll not be able to breathe for the next year or two

I hope that I’ve made myself plain

I am Headmistress Cane


 

I’ve Fallen in Love with a Dalek

 
 
I’ve fallen in love with a Dalek
I don’t wanna watch Star Wars or Star Trek
She’s a heartless killing machine 
But what the heck
I’ve fallen in love with a Dalek

She made her move and asked to date me
(Promising she wouldn’t exterminate me)
She’s the only one who can out roller-skate me
I’ve fallen in love with a Dalek

‘Cause when our work is done
We have bags of fun
We cuddle on the sofa 
And I unscrew her gun
Friends say she’s more evil than Attila the Hun
But we’ll stick through thick and thin 
Though she’s just a lump of tin
I’ve fallen in love with a Dalek

When we’re together one thing’s taboo
It’s forbidden to mention Doctor Who 
Dalek ain’t got a name 
So I call her Sue
I’ve just bought her a house with a downstairs loo
I’ve fallen in love with a Dalek

I know she’s destroyed whole galaxies
But she’s got such a great personality
So while my lips pucker
She fondles me with her sucker
I’m her beau 
And she’s my mucker
When I caught her eye
Cupid’s arrow struck her
I’ve fallen in love with a Dalek

She comes from Skaro above
And we’re so in love
If you see her by the kerbside
Please give her a gentle shove
I’ve fallen in love with a Dalek

OJ OJ

OJ, OJ
Good for you, good for me
It tastes so great, full of vitamin C
Pure ready ripe oranges picked from a tree
OJ, OJ
Good for you, good for me

OJ, OJ
In a bottle or pack
Perfect with breakfast, lunch or a snack
If you bought me a cola I’d say “Take it back”
I want OJ, OJ
In a bottle or pack

OJ, OJ
One of your five a day
For a fitter, happier, healthier way
It’ll keep you young - stop your hair going grey
OJ, OJ
One of your five a day

OJ, OJ
Mmmmm - freshly squeezed
Buy it smooth or with bits in if you please
What stops a cough and prevents a sneeze?
OJ, OJ
Mmmmm - freshly squeezed

So what’s the drink you’re going to choose?
It’s got to be
OJ, OJ
OJ, OJ
OJ, OJ
OJ, OJ
OJ, OJ
OJ, OJ
ORANGE JUICE!